School's Out - by Adam Farrer

School's Out Part#5

At first the lyrics were pretty conventional, detailing his desire to sleep with each girl in turn and then all at once. The evidence of a sexual imagination reared on dirty magazines. But it quickly escalated into the kind of performance that Hollywood might have put into the mouth of a caged sex offender.

"Tie me in a sack, Jack me off, Jack me off, Whip me, kick me, kick me baby, I want your whips tonight."

This was issued in barks and sing-song gasps, backed by the persistent beat. Like a lone cheerleader, willing him on with steady handclaps. It reached a panting crescendo just as the tape was running out.

"Under the stars, Under the night, I want you baby, Every night, I want you, I want you, I want you..."

Having received this gift, this revealing of Dan's innermost, I knew what I had to do. The way I saw it, I had no option. I couldn't cope anymore and had been presented with a way out.

So I betrayed him.

I made a copy of the tape and played it to Vicky the next morning. Who played it to Clare and Gaynor. Who played it to the whole class. By the end of the day there wasn't a child in our year who didn't know what Dan had done. And I was no longer the focus of cruel attention.

I felt bad for Dan. Who had been so open and trusting. But it seemed worth it. Sat at the back of the class, I went unnoticed and for that I felt justified in selling my soul.

For his part, Dan took it in his stride. He didn't shout or swing chairs. He didn't look for another patsy to take the fall. He took his lumps stoically and with the minimum of fuss. He didn't even seem angry with me. In time the radiation of his notoriety reduced and at the end of the week I felt something familiar and sudden on my cheek. The sting of a paper ball. I opened it up.

"Fucking Queer"

My respite was over.

*****

I considered this old photo of myself. Of this smiling boy. So distant and unfamiliar. And I realised that while I couldn't run away from him, I could place him in a box along with everything that defined him, seal the lid and store him in the attic. My guilty secret. My own insecure, vicious monster.