Who I Am & Who I Was...(GenderQueer)

Who I Am & Who I Was.

September 10, 2015

Who I Am And Who I Was

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are," by E.E. Cummings. I never could grasp that fact in my early years of life. I was afraid to show my true colours and confused on what colors it was I hid from. It was like I was a pin in a haystack that no one would dare touch. I stood out and was denied any part in anything.

I can recall asking to play with others in kindergarten yet they'd just act like I wasn't even there, ignoring me like an annoying buzzing fly. I felt like I was just a waste of space to everyone, so in time I kept to myself. To me at that time it was obvious I was doomed to be alone and act like a stone. I can remember always telling myself my rules, 1. Don't talk, 2. Don't raise your hand, 3. Don't ask to play with others, 4. Stay far away from others. To me my rules kept me safe and hid me from everyone, no one would take a second glance at me.

I admit it hurt, but not as much as having someone turn you down face to face. As time went on I continued to stay this way, only talking and acting out due to anger at others who bullied me. Then I switched schools, it was odd and to be honest I felt more out of place than I ever had in my life. I recall reminding myself that this school would end up the same as the others, but it didn't. It was around 3rd grade that when-for the first time- someone walked up to me and asked me if they could play tag with me. I don't think any words in the universe can describe the happiness that brought to me, it felt like the sun shined brighter than ever on that day.

That day was the day I began to crawl out of my shell. It was a slow process my elementary years, coming out of my shell just about 2-3 inches. What surprised me though is that my friends were okay with who I was starting to become. I admit even then I still tried to fit in but around 5th grade I was drifting away from it all. I could tell I was becoming something more than I expected around 6-8th grade. Around that time I found a style I adored, short hair and anything that wasn't Hollister, Aeropostale, or American Eagle.

I was beginning to find my placement in the universe was outside the bound of a "Normal Girl" or "Normal person" for that matter. Yes, it made me a victim of harassment and bullying, but it was me. I took every hit people throw at me with pride. That's because I was smart and knew someday I'd look back at those moments and smile. When people hurt you, it will never truly break you, but rather shape you into a stronger and better person.

Then I found anime, one of the best things ever, it was a mistake to be quite frank I never planned to become Weebo trash. I was surprised at it all to be honest at how the storyline and characters taught me a lot. I was really surprised though at a old show I watch that actually was an anime, Sailor Moon who taught me that even though I'm a girl I'm still strong and capable to do about anything I can dream of. Finding these things allowed me to try and piece together my fragment of myself, I'll admit it though I cut myself way more than once trying to piece myself together. Like when I went through the "Emo" and "Scene" stages of my middle school life.

Though these phases I went through allowed me to crack my shell so much more, this is because finding and accepting yourself is also about losing yourself along the way. I lost those pieces of me because they really were not me. You have to become a greater you if you want to love yourself. And around that time I thought I did. Then came high school, the most hardest and confusing year in my life.

I remember vividly the huge lockers and even taller students. The halls felt claustrophobic as I struggled to find my classes and place to sit in most. It was like I was lost in a juggle of acne faced trees and metal hills. In high school I could view all the types of students and people, it was the largest range of differences I ever saw. It terrified me to make things short, I felt like an out of place cookie in a batch of brownies. It was a terrifying thrill, like skydiving or jumping off the edge of a cliff with no way of knowing when you'll hit the ground.

Around high school though I took the biggest interest in reading, reading opened up and escape from the chaos around me and allowed me to understand what was wrong and right. Reading helped me find another part of myself and piece together more of me. High school may have (and still is) a great big leap off the edge but like Tiny Cooper sang about "It's all about the falling-you land and get up so you can fall again.". If we never take the chance, take that leap we'll never see the bigger picture never see how much more life has to offer us. Around my 9-10th grade year I found myself.

My 11th grade year is in the process and still I can feel the change. We always change when we're young. We change hair, style, height, skin color, everything. All those little things bring out the best in us, the real us. I've also changed over the years. I cut my hair, color it, change my style, skin tone, attitude. All these things made me,well me.

Finding myself took a lot of lose, from heartbreak to losing people who "Claimed" to be my friends. In the end though it really helped me progress. I development my own style, found out what I liked and despised. I found out what my heart wanted what my inside yearned for. I became me, and that I can tell you for a fact is one of the most scariest and hardest things to do. This is for people will laugh, people will discourage you, and judge you, but trust me when I tell you they don't matter.

All that matters is that you are you, and you should be happy about that. I only wished I could've appreciated myself sooner, because then I would've been happier longer. Becoming myself was a like crawling out of the depth of hell to make it to my heaven, much like " Dante's Inferno". Like E.E. Cummings said "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are". Yes it's a struggle but it's mostly a war.

Becoming myself was like a war against myself and who I really was. I recall fighting myself mentally to be "Normal" to be like all the rest. I recall having internal conversations asking "Could I?" "Should I?". All those questions though were followed by the most dreaded phase, "What if?". Those two words we all know.

The words "What if?" Can haunt everything you think or believe in. That's because those two small words contain something I always feared, "Doubt". Doubt in what I think, do, believe, but most terrifying was the doubt in myself. I doubted that I could result in anything but a giant mistake, a failure to the world. I found out though that you can't fight yourself, or the falling, or anything about who you really are.

You can only grow and become that person. We all never know this when we first enter this world. We are born into a "Doubt" and "What ifs?". I realize that now. I'm always searching, we all are. We all search and search for something-anything, to find our selves. When really by doing that we're just putting it off.

There are many people out there right now who were just like me. Small,scared,alone kids. I know though that just like me they'll grown to understand that "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are," by E.E. Cummings, just like I have. I'm Adriana Ibarra, and Im genderfluid/genderqueer and Pansexual, I'm me and proud of it.   

 And take my word. 

Don't you ever hide from yourself. You are important and loved. You are valid. YOU ARE YOU. Be proud of that.