Memologs

Être Peur de Rien

I am the kind of person who would go out of her way to prove that I don't fear anything.

Living in India, in a crowded city on a street which is jammed with traffic 9am to 11pm, I act fearless of vehicles. I cross roads faster than most of my friends or fellow pedestrians trying to cross the road. I pull my friends with me to cross when they would want to wait for a car to pass. "It's a zebra crossing outside an educational institute! They have to slow down to let us cross"- would be my loud argument.

I don't get scared of working a lot or facing problems. Complications don't scare me. They push me to strive harder. I don't quit anything.

I am not a fan of them but I don't fear spiders or cockroaches or horror stories. I have helped scared people with getting rid of insects and some of them think I am brave for that. Funny, yes.

I don't believe in any relegion that would ask you to fear God or follow the entity for your well being. I don't believe in the Devil that'd be waiting to punish.

For all this and other reasons, Can I say I fear nothing?

I can say I fear nothing concrete or mainstream.

Because I do fear. I fear things which are not quite explicable.

My mind has stored a list of things I want to achieve in life. "I love to teach, I want to make a significant change in the education system. I want to empower children by providing the kind of education they need." These are some of the things I would have told several people I converse with.

At times, what you could call weak moments or moments when I lose my strength, my mind wanders off to fear. Times when I get an exhausting cold and sneeze attack, or a pain in the chest (I have a chronic cold, a defected piece I am); I think of the things I want to do, things I have promised, and I fear. "You often hear about known people that he or she has been working in his/her field since so many years, since he/she was so many years old. It would be so cool if some day years later, I can say that about myself. I have been teaching since I was 18." I told this to a friend of mine sometime back. Now that I think about it, it is actually scary. What if I am bereft of the luxury of living enough number of years to make that happen? What if I fail to reach the mark? What if the ideas I have remain unfulfilled, unexecuted?
Does a fear of not being able to work for the people who'd go on living unaffected by my existence or absence make sense?

There is another kind of fear which I have realized about myself. The fear of losing the love of people. Love is gained with great labour. You can feel the love people have for you, from the little things they do for you. Look at a person who would be ready to do a favour for you (even if the favour follows a deal or some curses) or a person who 'd spend time to make your birthday happier because your existence in their life matters; you shall find love finding its way to your skin, muscle and bones. If you pause some moments and recollect the faces and the little things, you might feel the love within your body. It gives you a strange sort of energy. It makes you push harder to work better, be better, achieve greater.

Humans are queer creatures. With all the abstractions fitted in their concrete forms, they seem to make things complicated. But most of the times, it is quite simple. You just need to figure out if there is a speck of love behind the person's words or actions. That' l help you know what you are supposed to do.

I believe in this quite strongly which is why losing this love frightens me. What if I lose the love and hence the force which would help me be what I am. I have a few of such strong sources of love in my life, the ones who I'd stand by forever and who I'd need beside me whatever I might do. Even the thought of losing one of them terrifies me, makes me doubt of my ability to go on with sanity in their absence. Does the fear of lose of love from life around make sense?

I have often heard the phrase 'Fight your fears'. If I am supposed to fight these fears I would need lessons on that because I can only wonder right now how one can fight these parts of life which enable you to exist and make a difference.

At the same time I wonder, 'Have I done enough for them to fear my loss or absence?'