Suicide Watch

Bombs, Driving and Trespassing

^~*~^~*SMITTY HERE*~^~*~^

BEEP,BEEP,BEEP."Ugh, why does school always have to ruin my slumber." I say with my groggy morning voice, I slowly sit up and stretch, feeling slightly more awake. I do my usual morning routine, I go for a run down the trails, come back, have a shower, get dressed, do my hair and makeup, eat, brush teeth and pack bag.

I go to my mom's room. "Hey are you sure you want to go to school, I mean I'm sure that they will understand."

"Yes mom, I'm sure, anyways dad wouldn't want me to get bad grades because I chose not to go to school because he's gone, he would want us to be happy." I say not even convincing myself with my words. And I know that no matter what happens I will never be happy again, but I have to pretend to be happy so my mom doesn't have to worry about me, when she should be worrying about herself and her happiness.

She kisses me on the forehead and says."Your father would be so proud of you, I mean your already talking care of me and it's been three days."

"I know mom, okay I have to go now." I say as I pull her into a hug.

I walk down stairs and to the front door, I put my stuff on and walk out to my car. It feels weird being in a car after knowing he died in one. I think as I start the engine.

I arrive at school, and notice that everyone is staring at me, I assume they all know by now. By the time I get to my locker six people have came and apologized for the loss of my father. It's funny how people say "sorry for your loss" I mean I didn't lose my father I know where he is, I just can't talk to him, see him, or feel his hold ever again. So he's not lost, he's just not around, he's dead.

Zoey comes up to me, but she doesn't say anything, and she doesn't have to I already know what she wants to say, and I know that she knows that I don't want to here it.

But she says it anyways. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm so so sorry. And what the fuck are you doing at school."

"Your right I didn't want to hear it, and it's not like I'm going to just stop my life because he's gone." My words coming out a little too harsh.

"Fine I get it, everyone grieves differently." She says ending the conversation, she grabs my hand and leads me to the classroom, we enter just as the bell rings.

^~*~^~*
At lunch I get even more sympathetic looks, and my friends are finding it hard to talk without blowing up the ticking time bomb that I apparently am.

"Okay I am going to say this one time and only one time, so listen close, I am fine, I am going to be fine, so talk like you normally do." I look around and all I see are scared and sad faces.

"I am not a ticking time bomb, so stop acting like your walking in a mine field and I might explode, cause I won't." I yell just loud enough for the group to hear me.

Then I stand up and walk away, behind me I hear someone stand and follow, but I can't tell which of my friends it is. I start walking towards the girls bathroom, when I get there the person is right behind me. I turn around to see Nick look at me with a worried face, and then it all comes out. The tears I have been holding in for the past two days, they just pour out of me. Nick envelops me into a tight embrace, and whispers "shh shh it's going to be alright, okay I promise it will get better."

"You don't know that, you can still see both your parents, they can still tell you they love, guess what my dad will never hold me, tell me it's alright, he will never again take me to the quarry on my birthday and he will never say he loves me ever again."

And with that I left Nick standing in the bathroom alone, I feel bad leaving him like that, but I just have to get away. As I headed for my car, I got in and started driving with no destination.

^~*~^~*

After two and a half hours of driving realized where I was going, I step out of the car and see the beautiful quarry that we go to on my birthday. I go to my trunk and rummage around until I find my bathing suit, quickly get changed and walk over to the water. I jump in, and I am suddenly engulfed by the cool chill of the clear pool.

I start to think how easy it would to just sink to the bottom and just let go. I mean there is no one around for kilometres so no one would save me.

But then I think of my mom, she just lost the love of her life and if I kill myself she will be even more broken, she would be in despair. I swim to the edge and pull myself out. I get back in my car and tears slowly roll down my cheeks.

Knock, knock, knock. I turn my head to see a guy with dark brown messy hair and light brown eyes. He is wearing black skinny jeans, a blue t shirt and a leather jacket, the outfit going quite well with his body structure. I open my door and step out. "Can I help you with something?" I ask as he stares into my eyes, like he's trying to disifer what I'm thinking.

"Uh yeah your on my property, can you please get off it."he looks at as if expecting me to run.

"Oh well I'm sorry, me and my dad used to come here for my birthday."

"Oh sorry is it your birthday?"

"No"

"Then why are you here?"

"Because my dad died on Friday."

"Oh, wow, shit I would say sorry but I know what it's like to lose someone and sorry doesn't help."

"Ya that's why I'm here, my friend said it was going to be alright. Even though he's never lost anyone.

"Yeah,well I would continue this conversation, but I asked you to get off my property." He says cockily.

I turned around and got in my car, and when I started to pull away I rolled down my window and flipped him off.

After a couple minutes I turn on the radio.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
The wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song

Fight song plays loud in the background of my thoughts, he seemed like he understood, but then he treated me like shit. God I hate guys.

The drive home was lonely and depressing, all I could do, was think of all the fun times me and my dad had.

^~*~^~*SMITTY OUT*~^~*~^