Finding 'Happy'

Chapter 3

*Brooke's Diary*

Diary,

Today was pretty bad. Alex and me share something, but it's scary...I just can't get hurt again, I'm not built for it, strong enough for it. I noticed that she has scars and cuts on her arms...I don't know if we share them from the same thing or not, but I suppose it's not even for me to know unless she feel like telling me. I want to let her in, but I can't..Pysically and mentally. I spent my life building wall...I met her once she tore them down, my heart was set on being free, but she came in and easily tamed me..I don't trust anymore. I barely feel. I'm sad, and broken, and it scares me that she might know it.

-Brooke.

*Alex's Diary*

Diary,

It seems like just when I get close I push the ones I care for away. Last night with Brooke was amazing. I finally stopped feeling numb and went to feeling more...not lust...more. Today was pretty bad. I though we shared something, but I think she's scared, because she didn't talk to me today...I think that she saw my scars and cuts....maybe that's why, it was last time I got close. I mean I though that I wasn't ready for trusting again Metally or Pysically, I mean I've been building walls to block my heart, but she broke them apart. It was a heart clenching feeling, and it hurt at first but then I liked it. It scares me that she might know.

-Alex

Alex and Brooke  didn't talk for awhile after that. They just took in the halls stealing glances while the other wasn't looking secretly wondering the same things, missing the touch of their touch on each others skin. The passing glances were heart breaking and every day that passed withough another word rolling off the soiled tongues of them because they spoke to no one. Not each other, and not anyone. They became distance from the world. Alex, no less then before....she sat in silence keeping all the want she felt for Brooke burried inside. Brooke stopped smiling, stopped faking it, the inner core showed on the outter face and people just seemed to stopped caring. In a room full of people they both felt so alone, and all they need to do to feel in love...to feel at all was say a simple "Hello." and the conversation would flow the spilling hearts on the blank paged of scrap paper in a class you're just so bored in. Nothing happens easily except this. The words between Brooke and Alex were like an uncontrollable river filled to the top and trying not to overflow and the feeling that they kept hidden were the waterfall, already crashing upon and early arrival.

--3 Days Later--

Alex had tried so hard to be okay with everything that happened, but her mind wouldn't get the thought of Brooke out of her mind, so she gave in. They had this class together, and she sat in front of Alex, but for all the days after the best day they had, they avoided each other...Unwillingly for Alex of course. "Brooke, we need to talk. You can't just do that to me, you can tell me anything I swear to you I'll try and make it better." Alex said quitely wraping her pinky around Brooke's, "Pinky Promise." Alex smiled and headed to her seat. Brooke wanted to tell her. 'I will tell her why.' 'I will do it.' She told herself everyday. Today. Today was the day where she would tell Alex. Today. School was over faster then it usually was. Well it felt that way to Brooke. She texted Alex:

Brooke- Okay, we do need to talk...I'm at the front entrance for the school. Meet me?

Alex- Yeah, of course. Be there soon.

After Alex showed up they just sat for awhile watching all the cars leave the grounds of the school soon they were alone in a completely emtpy parking lot. Alex nudged at the thought of stroking up the conversation, "Brooke?" She squezzed out of her mouth, "What's been going on? I was scared to even talk to you for the first 3 months I was here, and then we talk and I feel something and I trust it...then nothing." Brooke looked down and felt her stomach tighten; 'Here goes nothing.' She told herself. "I have tried so hard not to feel anymore, to just be numb. I know you for one day and I feel more then I've felt in years! It scared me. I didn't know what else to do except what I always do...break away." Alex just let out a small chuckle and pulled Brooke in and laying her lips on her forehead. "I felt the same way....but I was spending the day with you, Brooke and that's what made me feel safe again." Alex smiled gripping Brooke's hand in her's. Brooke looked up and kissed Alex right on the lips. The kiss wasn't forced or awkward, or weird in anyway. It was just like it was before. Gentle.

Alex and Brooke started dating. Cute texts from light to dark, day to night. Cuddling on the couch and sleeping tangled into each others arms, being completely goofy and not giving a fuck in the world. They always said 'Me and you against the world. I'll be the Bonnie to your Clyde.' They were always together. Over the weeks, months. Alex became sad. She didn't know why, but she got so sad that she couldn't hold it in anymore and she started to hurt herself again. Brooke didn't know, Alex was good at hiding it, but Brooke did find out. She wanted to help, but Alex pushed her away. Alex wanted to let Brooke in, but how do you tell someone you're so happy with that you wake up every morning and no matter how much you want to be happy you just hate everything about the day. How do you fight when you're fighting against you own monsters. 

"Alex? We need to figure out what to do...I can tell that you're sad and upset, please just give me something so I can try to make it better?" Brooke said trying not to make Alex feel pressured into telling her, but she just cared to much so of course it showed that Brooke really wanted to know what to do. "Sweetheart, there's nothing to do to make it better, I'm fine." which of course this response from Alex was a lie. One of the biggest lies you can tell. 'I'm fine.' But Brooke laid back because you can't help someone who doesn't want help. "If you ever think that you have no one...at least know you have me." Brooke said intertwining her fingers into Alex's. "I know hun. I know." Alex said laying her lips upon Brooke's and kissing her softly and slowly. 

No matter what Brooke said she knew that their relationship wouldn't go on unless she figured out a way to help Alex. Alex didn't have any family. No mom or dad or siblings. No one was ever around, so she couldn't talk to close members of Alex's life because she was the only member...Maybe that was what was wrong. Maybe Alex still felt alone even though she wasn't. 'I will fix it.' Brooke thought to herself. 'I will try until I can't try anymore.' 

Brooke didn't give up and sooner or later Alex caved in and as she laid her head on Brooke's chest and just simply spoke with so much emotion it was overwhelming. "You know. I'm just done caring all together. I'm done with the, "Don't listen to her." "He doesn't understand." "This person that and that person this." I've faced the fact that my life story is a clique that could be replaced by a sad teenage depression problem 80's movie. It's just me&my friends against the world, and if we go down we'll go down fighting until maybe we can make a differene because there is someone out there who has it worse and nobody tells them they're beautiful, and not to listen to the awful things people tongues spill, they hurt themselves out of anger and fear. Who gives people the right to judge me and all those people self harming. No one!, because they aren't fucking gods!! So let them say the curel things they say and let them spread the pain because I'm not killing myself anytime sooner or later!! Because I won't stop until I have made sure that most selfharmers know that they and all there scars are fucking beautiful, and that they are safe. I'm okay with being done feeling sad and hiding it all because I know I have you. You are more than 'mine' you are 'you' and that's the best thing I could ever imagine." Alex tried to hold in the tears she felt coming on because I agreed with Brooke more than she knew because Alex felt the same way she calmed herself and thought abrubtly when she spoke, "I love you Brooke." Brooke held her tongue for a bit but then smiled, "I love you too Alex." with that they held each other for hours just smiling and being pleased with themselves.