Secrets.

Unbelievable.

Chapter 10- Unbelievable.

      Matt was refusing to speak to me. He was acting like a stubborn brat, but what was it to me? I just couldn’t understand what had possessed him to ruin such a peaceful moment. But I suppose it was the same thing for him. In truth, I don’t think I was looking for an actual answer. Maybe I was wrong in telling him but that was what my heart was telling me. I felt so tired. Tired of all the bad things and the knowledge that nothing would erase these horrible memories. Worse; nobody was even trying anymore. They just accepted that I was damaged. Even I accepted that fact. That’s not to say that it was something that I took joy in, or was proud of. Truthfully, it made me feel pretty sad. Nobody wants to acknowledge that their life has led to nothing, that they’ve never actually lived but rather survived or that at the end of the day, they’re filled with emptiness because all they can see is the uselessness in the things that they’ve done that day.

   What hurt me was that once more, I had opened myself up to someone, and once again they had turned away from me. What people never seemed to learn was that in doing that, by simply walking away because you were uncomfortable or scared, you effectively caused another piece of that person’s soul to die. I didn’t need for him to answer me or to comfort me. I just needed him to be there. Instead, he chose to pull away from me, grab a few quilts and cushions, and lie down on the ground beside my bed. And as I lay there, listening as his breathing settled into a steady rhythm, I felt hollow, while tears trickled down my cheeks.

   So as much as he couldn’t look at me, I couldn’t face him at all. When I felt that heavy pang in my chest, I could feel my eyes water and I wanted nothing more than to disappear.

   I had sat with Gino in the restaurant (he paid, of course) and I had played happy families. I pretended that I was happy, while inside I was laughing bitterly at how easy it was to use a mask to hide my true emotion. Ridiculous, really, when you think about it; the amount of times a person can be smiling and laughing but really are screaming on the inside and nobody is aware. There was a kind of irony to it. But it made Gino happy and who was I to take that away from him? Just because I was depressed didn’t mean that I had to drag the poor guy down too. Gino had taken me to get my picture taken, gave it to his cousin, and we left Matt and him to sort it out while Gino and I went to dinner. And it was nice. But it didn’t make me feel better.

   I hated to say goodbye to Gino. He was such a nice guy and he had a lovely sister. And it left me alone with him. Maybe I was being just as childish by holding a grudge. But when a trust is broken, you don’t want to get caught out again by making the same error.

   I kept my head down as Matt and I walked alongside one another. “Here,” he muttered as he handed me a black plastic pouch. Wordlessly, I opened it, took out my fake passport and glanced at it. It looked pretty official but I didn’t know a whole lot about passports. I slipped it back in and sighed. I ran my hand through my hair absently, thinking about how pointless this was. What was the point in fighting for a life that I’ve never lived?

   “Jane?” Matt asked softly.  Feeling unexpectedly angry, glared at him hatefully as I instinctively gave him a full blown slap across his face. I didn’t stop walking either. It wasn’t like I’d had any intention of checking if he was okay. He grabbed my arm to haul me back. “We have to talk about last night, you know.”

   “You make it sound like we did something bad. It was just a kiss, get over yourself,” I retorted coldly. For a second, he held a wounded expression on his face before he wiped it clean off.

   “That wasn’t what I was referring to-” I chuckled humourlessly, throwing him off. “But you were thinking about it, weren’t you, Matt?”