Iife has never perfect, but it had once been perfect for me, maybe in a fake way but it was. Maybe because I didn't know about people being double faced. Or maybe I believed the fake smiles my parents put up. Whatever it was, I was happy for all the fake reasons because all that mattered was being happy and in that moment, I really was.
We had this hammock in the backyard of our house. It had been there since I could remember. It had always been my favourite place to be when it rained or when the weather was extremely nice. As much as I loved rain, I despised thunder. I would plug in my earplugs to block the noise.
I remember this particular day, it's not like I would ever forget it, like usual I was sitting out on the hammock when it started thundering, it came all of a sudden, so I got scared.
My elder sister came out and sat on the stairs beside the hammock and stared straight up in the front.
"Don't be scared, it's just thunder" she said.
"I don't like it, it's very loud. I like it quiet" I said cringing as the lightning struck again.
She laughed, it wasn't her usual lively laugh but one that didn't reach her eyes.
Her eyes were glazing as she stared at the trees, which seemed like dancing with the wind.
"Trust me, there will be a day when you wish it was noise that surrounded you instead of silence."
Before I could comprehend a reply, it started drizzling. She got up from her spot and walked out of the confinement of the shed, into the garden where it was raining heavily. She just stood there as the rain poured down. And I just sat on the hammock looking at my elder sister.
I know, I should have asked what happened.
I know, I should have asked if she was okay.
But she had always been the elder sister who could solve her problems herself. Nevertheless, she was my role model. She was the one with a bright mind, perfect grades, and amazing friends, everything I ever wanted. Yes, I envied her. I wanted my parents to look at me the way they looked at her. They called her the prodigy. I wanted to be that.
After that day, my sister and I didn't interact much, but her words surrounded me most of the time. I found myself thinking about how I would like noise more than silence. I just shrugged and shooed the thought away.
It was the science exam when I wanted her help, and had to go knock on her door. The door was locked, which was unusual because she never really locked her door.
I knocked.
There was no response.
I knocked again.
And again. And everything was as quiet as it could be.
I started banging the door.
I called out her name.
..no answer..
I called mom, I called dad.
Dad broke into her room.
Just to find her lying on her bed. My dad called out her name, but she didn't reply.
"Maybe she is sleeping" mom said.
I went to her to shake her up and scream at her for making us worry.
I shook her lightly but she didn't wake up.
I shook her again and she still didn't.
Dad came and stood next to me. Taking her hand in his, he kept his fingers on her pulse and after a second looked up at my mum and shook his head. After this everything went in slow motion.
My dad dropped my sister's hand as mom fell on the floor bursting into tears. It wasn't like the quiet sobbing I had heard her do all these years at night, but it was the screaming that took place and then ultimately tears. My dad, my superhero too had tears in his eyes. He went over to mom and hugged her on the floor.
I stood there. Silent. It took me a moment to gulp all that was going on.
What happened?
I looked at my sister.
Her eyes were glazing, just like the day we talked. But today they weren't just glazed, they were dead.
I called her name, once, twice, thrice but she did not reply.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I took in the situation.
She wasn't ever going to reply to me.
I held her head in my arms and cried asking her to come back making promises of never eating the last cookie, never irritating her and not asking silly questions.
The harsh reality, was not something I could adapt or take in. The sister I adored was no more going to be there for me when I needed her, or when my parents ignored me.
It took me my sister's death to realise what her words meant, as I stood here in her funeral. It was way too quiet than the silence I once enjoyed. I stood there, next to where my sister would be buried. My mom was like a ghost, her eyes were emotionless. My dad had a brave face on, as he had to be there for my mother. Everyone who knew her came and said their goodbyes, shed a few tears and went. There was not a single sound made, it was quiet. The only sound that could be heard was the pouring of the rain. The rain, whose sound my sister used to cherish. The silence was too loud, so loud that it almost made me want to scream out of my lungs and run away.
My sister, my brave, super talented sister had committed suicide. Her life wasn't as perfect as I thought it was.
Even though my parents called her the prodigy, it did nothing but put more pressure on her. Pressure to be perfect. The best.
But did anyone know what she wanted?
She wanted to be a dancer, a professional ballet dancer, but nobody asked her that. Dad said you'll become an engineer and she smiled and nodded her head, just to see my parents happy.
Her amazing friends, did not turn out to be that amazing after all. Her own best friend stole question papers from the school office and very conveniently blamed the issue on her. Instead of trusting her, her friends looked down upon her and unfriended her. The day we were sitting outside, she had been rusticated from her school for a week. Dad had slapped her for the first time. All the grades she had been getting from all the sleepless nights and numerous of cups of coffee's went nowhere but to waste.
She wasn't perfect after all. The rain washed away all my silent tears that adorned my cheeks and took away all sign of grief. Thunder roared once again, but this time I did not cringe, but rather chose to accept it. Finally, it was nothing but the noise that calmed the pain, instead of the silence that never seemed to end.
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