My mother is official gone, and buried six feet deep in the ground.
I always kind of thought my mother was gone. She was never herself ever since my father left. Her eyes were never bright, only bright red. It was hard to look at her and not see the emptiness and brokenness. It was hard to picture my mother when she was happy and held a genuine smile. She was always gone to me. Now, she's gone to the world also.
She was killed in a car accident. Killed instantly.
Instantly.
I don't think there's such thing. Instantly can be a second, half a second, or less. However, that doesn't mean she didn't feel it. That "instantly" could've been a century, a lifetime, for her. She could've felt like the world was in slow motion, and felt everything dig into her body. Instantly. She died instantly. But she still died with pain. It was just quick pain.
Eric came back for the funeral. And he changed the way I didn't want him to change. Everything about him now is off, like he only has a vague memory of who the real Eric is. He doesn't try to make me smile or laugh anymore. It's like he finally accepted that I will never change my frown. And I hate it. He was the only person I can smile with, but now he's gone too. He offered to move in again, but I refused. I can't deal with anyone else in my life anymore. I just need to be alone.
I'm sitting outside against a brick building with a small bear cradled in my hands. Although my mother's head was never really here, I loved her to the core of the earth. She gave me this bear on my sixteenth birthday. I knew I was kind of old to receive stuffed animals, but my mother made me feel like I was five again. She gently stroked my hair and though her eyes held pain, her lips carried a genuine smile. She softly whispered like she was afraid of breaking the silence, and she said, "You'll always be my baby girl."
I hold out the bear with my elbows on my knees, and I think about that day over and over again. Those words keep replaying and replaying in my head like an echo. I remember just how broken and jagged her voice was but also the sincerity in her eyes.
From the corner of my eye, I see someone walking towards me.
Blue. Smoking.
But I don't care. Why should I? Ever since I meet that boy everything seems to be falling apart. Everything is off. So I keep my eyes fixed on the bear between my hands.
But Blue stops.
Right before me, he drops his cigarette and continues to walk away.
I watch the cigarette burn until there's nothing else to destroy.
