The Demons Within

7th Grade year

          7th grade year was the year i started to realize all the bull shit in my life. That was the year things from my past started to creep up on me. Maybe it was raging hormones or maybe I was finally able to mature and see things for what they are. My mom stopped being my hero. I stopped trying to be "daddy's little girl" that he never wanted. I stopped all my fuckery and and grew the fuck up. 

          I had stopped a lot of things, but a lot of things started. I started self-harming. I never binged but if i ever ate, i threw it up. I was always an overweight child and still am. I could never fast long enough to fool my mom. She'd keep me occupied too long before i could make it to the bathroom. God Damn did I hate her for that. I started to hate myself. My depression began to slowly start eating holes in my brain.

          I did not like who I was. I despised myself. Every inch of me. i became obsessed with cutting. I would never cut deep enough to leave scars that lasted longer than a week. My mom didn't know about it for a few months. she saw them one night when we were out at dinner with family friends. She pointed them out in front of every one. I had never hated myself more than I did in that moment. Not only was I scared physically, but my mom scared mentally. 

          It sure as hell didn't keep me from cutting or restricting, or purging. It only made me worse. My mom would guilt me about it. She yelled at me for weeks, only making me want to cut more. I hid it from my mom for about another 2 years.