My Kind Of Guy

Chapter Nine

Back at the flat, I feel more lost than I did running away in the middle of London. Who knew that being a place so familiar could feel so strange, and so unknown to me? This didn't feel like a home to me any more. This was just another place where I'd stayed. Just another place I'd wasted some time. Nothing seemed the same - colours were duller, everything was less interesting, less important. Less familiar. It was cold, and felt empty, yet too full at the same time.

'We need to talk.' Ricky repeats. I'm now sat on the settee, and he's come to sit next to me, which is unusual for him. He usually goes and sits away from me.

I don't understand what we need to talk about. We both messed up. I made everything worse for both of us. I'm always the one who wrecks everything.

'I- I read the signals wrong.' Ricky stammered, looking down. It made me feel worse, that he wasn't looking at me. He couldn't look at me. It made everything so much worse. 'I should never have kissed you. I don't know why I did that to you. I know we have nothing between us.'

Those words hit me like bullets. I knew the same, but I never wanted him to admit it. That makes it real, and I'm not sure I'm ready to believe that.

'If you want now, you can go home. I'll cope with my family complaining about it, I can live with that if it makes you happier. If that's what you want, I'll do it.'

This is what I've been waiting for. I've been wanting this chance since we got married. So why do I feel like if I agree it will be the wrong thing? But I know why, and it's the idea I've been avoiding for so long. I never wanted it to be true, but it is, and deep down, I know this is what I have to do.

'No.' I say quietly, and for a moment I'm worried Ricky didn't hear me. But then he looks up, his blue eyes wide and full of tears. 'I don't want to leave you.'
'Wha- why?' Ricky asks, his face full of surprise.
I shrug. 'Ricky, I like you. My head is pretty messed up and I just— I've been holding it back even from myself. If you don't feel the same way, that's okay. But now it's out there.'
A small smile creeps onto his face. 'Well, I guess I like you too.' He says, then nervously laughs. 'But then again I guess you already knew that.' He smiles.

I was right, it is out there now. The time I've spent with Ricky, I guess it'made me closer to him. No matter how much I want to hate him and tell people that we don't have anything between us, my head is telling me that I like him.