Hold Onto Me (Koli/Kellic) (EDITING)

Chapter 13

TUESDAY

Oliver texted me multiple times last night, and although I read them, I couldn't bring myself to respond.

I'm hurt.

Maybe I don't have the right to be. After all, Oliver isn't mine. We aren't dating. But that doesn't mean I can shut off the emotions I feel.

Devastation.

That's what I felt when I walked into that bathroom, and...heard those moans.

I was devastated.

I should be used to the pain that comes with unrequited love. I was in love with Vic for four years, and for two of those years, he had a girlfriend who he kissed, cuddled, and did cutesy shit with.

But for some reason, it's different this time. I don't know why.

I can't say my feelings for Oliver are stronger than the ones I had for Vic, because they're not. I loved Vic to death.

The way I feel/felt about them is something that can't be compared.

I don't want to block Oliver out. It's not like I'm intending to shut him out, or hurt him in any way, but right now I just can't talk to him, like everything is okay.

For me, nothing is okay.

Am I being selfish?

Maybe.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Last night, as soon as I got home, I put my headphones in and blasted music until I fell asleep.

But not before I hurt myself again.

I told myself I would stop...but with everything going on, I can't. It's an addiction.

Now, it's Tuesday morning, and I'm debating whether or not to go to school.

I decide I will.

I can't miss school just because I'm scared to face some boy.

~

The walk to school gives me a lot of time to think.

I think of Vic, mostly.

I feel like such a terrible person for what I did yesterday.

I kissed him, gave him all that hope and security, and then I snatched it all away with only a few words.

I love him. I love Vic.

But I'm not in love with him anymore.

I kissed him, because I thought that would fix everything.

I heard Oliver with Danielle, and I was mad. In the heat of the moment, I kissed Vic.

I was angry, and I thought I was still in love with him. I thought, maybe I can't have Oliver, but that doesn't mean I can't have Vic.

I'm such an idiot.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I always want what I can't have?

How could I do that to him, to Vic?

Six months ago, I would have happily kissed Vic, feeling content that my dreams had finally came true.

Now, I wish that Vic was anything but in love with me.

I never want to hurt him, but I already have.

He's my best friend, and yesterday I broke his heart. I'll probably continue to break his heart, over the littlest of things like being in love with someone.