Keep Love Around

Six

A week after we broke up, I was sitting in my room, staring out of the window into the parking lot of our dorm, across the street from the main campus. I felt awful for what I'd said, and looking back, maybe I shouldn'tve said it. So what if he went somewhere with another guy? Micheal had never said we couldn't see other people whilst trying to figure out our feelings, nor did I imply something either.

But it wasn't just that, I reminded myself. At the time, he seemed happy. And I was going through hell. I was jealous, and I'll freely admit that. I didn't do well with people being happy when I wasn't, especially when I was so close to someone like I was with Mikey.

Whenever I thought of it I always thought back to me and him together, but I would close my eyes and see him and I together, or something that looked like me, but then my head would turn around, and reveal someone else's face. It gave me the creeps, like something out of a horror film, and all it would do was make me more sad.

"Charlie, what are you doing?" Julian had walked through the door just as I went back to my homework, this time for English, which was much easier than Math work.

"I have to finish this report."

"And you're doing that by aimlessly looking out the window? I finished that assignment three days ago, it's due in a few hours. Come on, man. You're always the vigilant one. Finish up."

"Yeah...I guess. I'm really tired."

"Well, then, go to bed after you finish the report."

"I can't sleep."

He sat down beside me, pulling up the small chair under me, as I was sitting on the counter.

"You have to move on, Charlie. That's the problem. You're focused on the past, when you need to be focused on what can make you better for the future."

"And that's school? What? So, I'm just gonna spend my life at a day job in the middle of nowhere, doing something I don't give a shit about, going home and being unhappy for the rest of my life? All because I have a degree? What good is life if you can't be happy?"

"There're other people, kid."

"Not right now, there aren't. And I messed it up. I broke up with him. I'm messed up. I don't know what to do. It seems pointless to do anything, Jules. I feel like I can't put effort into anything I do, and that's just one of the many reasons my heart is broken."

"Yeah, but you know it gets better. You know that. It's hard at first, but then it gets easier, effortless. It's not as bad as you think." Jules tried to put on his best encouraging smile, but I was too stubborn to put up with it.

"I know it does. But I don't want it to. I want Micheal. And that's what's shitty. I don't want anyone else."

"I get how important he was...But dude, if you're hung up on the same guy for so long, you'll drive away the people that really love you. The people who won't leave you."

"I know! I know...But it's just...I had plans for us. Things we were going to do. Things I had talked about with him, things I hadn't shared with anyone. And at this point, I'm not sure I want to share that with anyone else. Ever, no matter if I get over this or not. I'm not sure I'm capable."

"I get it. It's hard, man. If love was easy, we'd all be have someone, no matter who we are. But these things have to be worked for. If you want this to work, you have to take a leap of faith. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest and open with anyone else. Is that truly what you want?"

"Yes. More than anything."

"Then you have to prove it."

"But Jules, it might be too late. What do I do?"