Confessions of an Ex- Hollywood Starlet

Chapter three

 Even now as i look back, the look on my mother's face still shakes me where i stand. So much fear and determination packed into one tiny beaten woman. I kept watching her, even as she wouldn't meet my gaze and stared continuously at my father on the floor. My scalp still burned from where he had pulled my hair, and i wanted desperately to rub the ache, but i didn't dare move. Something told me, even at my young age, that there was a fragile quality to the moment as it hung, suspended, over us both. One move would force reality over us like a smothering blanket and we didn't want, didn't need, that now.

But time could only stand still so long. There was a loud bang on the door and my mother turned towards me with her gun. I was frozen even harder to were i stood, blood in my veins cooling as i thought she was going to shoot me next. I very distantly heard the sound of police, ordering my mother to let me go, to put the gun down and come quietly; but my mother was no fool. She gazed evenly into my blue eyes- given to me by the man she had just shot dead, the same man who got her stuck in this situation. The hopeless look in her eyes made my heartache and the way tears filled her gaze made me feel so helpless. She pointed the gun down away from me, and held it to herself instead, looking awkward with the way she had to situate the long barrel just underneath her chin and strain her short arms to let her hand reach the trigger.

I heard one of those men yell at her again to put the gun down, to 'not do it'. I didn't understand what he meant. I was still confused by my mother's action. She was still staring directly into my frightened blue eyes, sadness echoed through her entire expression even as she gave me my favorite sober smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.I stuck out my hand towards her.

"Mama?" I whispered, holding out my hand, wanting her to just pull me into her arms and hold me because i was always a selfish child. And, still looking into my eyes, she pulled the trigger. I flinched as the hard sound of the gun went straight to my eardrums for the second time in twenty minutes. But my gaze never wavered from my mama, who's body now laid spread eagle on the dirty kitchen floor, blood surrounding her head, jaw hanging off and parts of skull and brain matter stuck to the kitchen ceiling.

The gun had been modified to make more powerful shots, and only now did i see what a horrible idea it had been as i could only look, open eyed, at the gruesome scene before me. Even the cops didn't know what to do and probably forgot all about me until i moved closer to my mom. I got down on my knees beside her, crawling toward her, and looked into her almost completely distorted face. Somehow her beautiful brown eyes remained untouched and looked up at the ceiling, empty. I smoothed my small hand over her blood covered hair, gagging a bit when i felt something soft and squishy instead of her scalp. I ran the hand through her hair, ignoring the blood and stopping when my hand snagged on a tangle.

"Mama?" I whispered again, still looking into her cold empty eyes.I bent my head down, eyes still on her until i could place my head against her chest and place my bloody hand on her slightly distended stomach, smearing the red colored liquid on her white nightgown. She had told me i was going to have another brother or sister soon, so what was going to happen to it now?

"Come on mama," I whispered, "Wake up," She had started to get cold and i wondered if bringing her a blanket would make her feel better, or  make that weird thudding that usually lay under my ear start again. Maybe she didn't want to wake up with all those guys in black shirts still in the living room, watching.

"Go away," I told them, not moving; just speaking louder.

"Sweetie... " I heard one of them say, and heard them walk towards me. I looked over to them, my eyes narrowed as i repeated myself. They took another step and i sat up.

"Leave us alone!" I yelled, stopping the female officer cold in her tracks. "She'll wake up if you just leave us alone! She's just sleeping! Like daddy." I looked over to him swiftly. I looked down at my mom.

"Come on mama, wake up," I shook her arm, but she didn't move. "Wake up!" I shook her harder. My throat started to tighten up as i put my bloody hand against her face. "Come on, Mama. Just wake up," Tears were falling down my face and i put my forehead against her collarbone.

"Please, Mama.... please..." I started crying harder. Distantly i heard one of the officers tell the girl officer to 'get me out of here' with a tight voice. I didn't listen to him, i just moved my hand to stroke against my mother's belly. She always liked that. When i felt two strong hands close around the top of my arms to pull me away, I screamed.

"No!" I screeched, throwing back an elbow, getting free for a second to hold on tight to my mother's body, She tried again, getting one arm before i could free the other in an attempt to hold on again. When she finally got me, with the help of another officer, i started sobbing. Loud, throat hurting, lung clogging sobs poured from my mouth into the cold air, as i screamed for my mama, who still hadn't moved.

"MAMA!!" I sobbed, "WAIT!! Don't let them take me! Please! MAMA!! Mama... I love you, please don't let them take me!"

I looked over to see them covering her and my dad up with a white sheet, red liquid already staring to ooze through it. I began kicking to try to get free, i yelled, i pleaded, i promised i'd be a good girl if they let me go, but nothing worked. I was put in the back of a white vehicle with flashing lights, and, when they had their back turned, i tried to open the door handle to escape, but it wouldn't budge. I threw an even bigger tantrum, trying to kick out the window and screaming for them to let me out. All they did was look at me, pity filling their eyes.

I started hurting my self, throwing my shoulder against the window, scratching myself till i bled, slapping my own face, pulling my hair out.  It had gotten so bad that the had to put my in this weird jacket thing that wrapped my arms behind my back and wouldn't let me move. Finally, after about thirty minutes i had used up all my energy and lay across the back seat, face scrubbing against the upholstery, crying. Two cops, one male, one female, got into the front seats. The female cop had her head in her hands, and looked close to crying herself.

i had been reduced to silent crying, so she probably thought i was alseep when she looked through the metal cage thing back at me, but she jumped when she met my gaze full on. Her face crumbled a little bit and she couldn't look away. I had blood splattered across my face, smeared over my pajama bottoms and feet, and more on my torso, but it was covered in the white jacket.I slid my gaze away from her bronzed face to the car floor.

"I want my Mama," I cried softly, tears running down my face in fresh, harder torrents, I saw a tear run down the woman's cheek as she kept looking at me, "I want my mama..." I closed my eyes, so tired; but i wouldn't be able to fall into sleep and i knew it. So i just laid there, eyes slitted, restrained and motherless at six years old in the back of a cop car.