Raspberry Chocolate Chip

It never made sense too me, Feelings. I could have been falling from a cliff and feel the same as I would if I ate my favorite ice-cream, Raspberry chocolate chip. Maybe it’s because I’m detached from my feelings so much. I think about writing down everything that is good or bad in my life so I could see if I could work out my feelings but I always forget. Maybe that’s it .Maybe I forget things a lot so I…. “Allinna , you there ” I could hear my friend Kenen shouting from outside near my window . Kenen isn’t short but not really tall. He had long black hair and an emo style cut. Emos are cool. That’s why I hang out with the likes of them . “Yes! I’ll be right down” I replied. “I’ll be waiting.” he shouted back. Sometimes I believe Kenen likes me. That’s what I heard, but until I find a way to fix my emotional problem or want to actually start fixing it I’ll just leave that topic alone. “Hey bighead” he greeted me while simultaneously rub the top of my head . “Hey mop top” I said as I returned his gesture. ”So what are we doing today. Glower at the clouds; sit off the side of a building? ” “I thought we’d go get some ice-cream then sit in the forest in the park” “It’s not really a forest just 10 trees creating a wall between the football field and soccer field” I corrected him. On that journey we went. I wanted to tell him my problem but I didn’t want to indirectly hurt hid feelings for me by saying I can’t feel and by extension can’t feel back for him, so I bottled it up. I live just down the block from Kenen and the ice-cream shop is just midway so it didn’t take more than 5 minutes to reach. We went through the door hearing the classic bell “Ding” .as we arrived to the counter he asked me what flavour I wanted. “Guess and you get a prize” I said “YAY!” his eyes glazed over and he jumped like a caffeinated anime puppy. It was cute but creepy for a 16 year old to be doing in public. I walked away from the counter and sat at one of the tables near the window. As I looked outside I noticed couples walking down the street. One in particular I knew well Kevin and Alli-Rose. Kevin was my ex-boyfriend and Alli-Rose my best friend. When I heard they got together I wanted to make her my ex-best friend but Kenen (Kevin’s twin brother) told me its just what they want and if I was to be a good friend I’d support. For a hyper teenager Kenen made sense and so I left it alone. Kevin and Alli-Rose walked into the ice-cream shop and went to the counter. I knew what was going to happen next because Kevin always did it with me. He’d order an ice-cream sundae one with his favorite flavour and one with mine. He’d ask for extra toppings on top and an extra spoon. We’d then share it in a booth together. He was sweet. Some time when I was dating him I started to have my problem. Kevin and Alli-Rose walked over to my table. “Hey, can we sit down” Kevin asked I shrugged my shoulder, believing it was an answer to the question, one which he could interpret in his own way. So they sat down in the two seats across from me. I glanced of to the counter and saw kenen coming with two bowls in his hands. “I guessed right” he said as he placed the bowl with raspberry chocolate chip near to me. “Yes, Kenen, you remembered” “I could never forget my friends’ favorite ice-cream flavour.” The strange thing is he only saw me order it once before in a sundae with his brother, and say me eat it like Kevin and Alli-rose were doing right now. I looked over at Kenen’s bowl to see what he ordered but I just say mounds of whip cream.. “What flavour did you get?” He dug in with his spoon and I saw it raspberry chocolate chip. “Raspberry chocolate chip, it’s my favorite” “How sweet,” Alli-rose said in her melodic voice,” you guys like the same flavour.” There was a deathly silence. The only thing that kept me knowing I was alive was the sound of the bell notifying us persons were entering and exiting. Kevin and Alli-Rose broke the silence with there continuous lovey-dovey name calling. I didn’t care to listen. Kenen helped me out a bit by starting a conversation. “Why do you think we have a fifth toe?” its thoughts like these that kept me hanging out with Kenen. Always different and at the right time. “Maybe it’s to keep things numerically symmetrical .Like we have 5 fingers on one hand so we must have 5 toes on our feet” Other than that answer I wasn’t really invested in the conversation. You could tell but Kenen continued talking about human appendixes we didn’t particularly needed. He must have watched the science channel all this week. It was Human Week. The people at the tv station hq must have thought it would suffice while we waited patiently for the next installment of Shark Week. It seems way better. That’s what I’m told. I can’t really tell. When Kenen and I finished our ice-cream we got up and left the love-birds alone to take in each others eyes. We walked through the door and I heard the ding so I know the past half hour was real but I was too numb to tell. We walked just a view blocks down the street, straight to the Woodbury Park. I used to love coming hear that was when I could feel any emotion at all. Kevin gave me my first kiss here. One day long before this day I imagined being buried here. That was the first day I contemplated suicide because I didn’t think I’d live with the fact that my mother’s new home was the hospital and I no longer would enjoy this place with her. “I’ll be right back” Kenen said. I saw him running to three boys near the swings. I couldn’t recognize the faces but I knew their style, Emo. I waited patiently. In regular intervals I would glance to the Large Building that was always stuck in my brain and then look back at Kenen and those unidentified boys. I could tell they were speaking of me because they looked back at me too. Kenen turned around and started walking towards me. He was cute. All the girls thought that. I mean now that his twin brother was “off the market” I would expect them to change their waves of affection towards the guy that looked exactly like him. You’d think I wouldn’t hang with him because of their resemblance but they were two different people. One was emo the other a regular boy I guess. “So, Saturday night they’re showing the Black comedy Chunky Chunks, Chucky’s Day off at the film house on Dower Street. Want to come? I just got two tickets from those guys” “Sure . What’s about?” “It’s basically a film about Chucky’s Brother Chunky’s crazy tendencies to like cutting persons in chunks. It’s gory and funny.” “Alright pick me up then.” The day panned out pretty ok. We glowered at some clouds and took some pills. I didn’t feel anything. Kenen on the other hand was kind of higher than the skies. He got up and started to spin around then he fell on me. “You’re purty” he muttered then passed out. “Thanks” I replied even though I knew he couldn’t hear me because he was passed out. When I was normal my friends use to tell me about how happy they were when they smelt boys’ hair. I leaned over and sniffed Kenen’s hair. It felt weird but his hair smelt kinda nice. Right then was when I wished I felt something so I wouldn’t disappoint him. Instead off pushing him off my torso I just laid my head on the ground and looked up at the white fluffy clouds and then I was off. “Allinna I’m sorry. Your mother has ____ sorry but all we can do is wait” “Don’t worry sweetie. I’ll be out before you know it” “.” Nothing came out “Are you ok? Honey” “.” “Wake up Bighead” I opened my eyes and saw Kenen standing over me. “You ok. Lets get home before it gets late” I rubbed my eyes and gave out a large yawn “You were passed out . I was trying to wake you up forever ” “Oh really” As we walked out the park gates I looked over and say the large building with the purple and pink sky light behind. I looked away from the constant reminder of that flood of feelings I detested caused by something I shouldn’t remember but always do. Kenen walked me into my empty house . It had furniture in it but other than the simple essentials the house was pretty blank or I should say white for that was the prominent color. Even in summer it seemed as cold as ice but that was what was reflected by the 2 person’s who live in that house. My father and I made the north pole seem like an island get away. “Can I come in you room ?” “Sure , my dad’s probably at work still ” my dad was an economist. He had black hair, Black eyes and a black soul ever since the doctor’s diagnoses. We entered my room. Everything was Black and white and grey. “Dude, my room has more colour and my goth mother decorated it.” I shrugged. That was what I always did as a substitute for words or my lack there of . I turned on the Tv and jumped on the bed Kenen followed me. I wasn’t concerned with the television but it distracted me from the staring eyes of Kenen on my face. I slowly began to slip off. Saturday morning I woke under my sheets in my clothes from yesterday. I popped up to scan the room for Kenen but he seemed to have left. I got out of bed and looked at the black framed mirror on my White wall. A note taped on it caught my eye. See you at 8 - Kenen I took it off and placed it on my Black dressing table . I slowly dragged my feet to my bathroom. I seemed to still be under the influence of slumber but some how my body felt like it was floating. Maybe I should blame that on the pills. I glimpsed the black digital clock. 12:12. 8 Hours left till my night out with Kenen. 2 till visiting hours I slipped of my clothes and stood in the shower. Seconds are too short minutes to short and hours to long. I washed it off everything the dirt in my hair and the taste of Raspberry Chocolate chip. I got out and got dressed in my regular colours grey and black. I entered into the foyer to find my father standing like he always did on Saturday afternoons. He didn’t need to say anything. I walked behind him into the buick . The drive took minutes . I looked out the window to see the large building. I was nearer to it than yesterday. I stepped out and went inside,entered the elevator. I knew which button to press even my fingers did. Level 5. The numbers started lighting up 1..2..3…4…5. The elevator doors opened up to the floor .i stepped out walking down the halls. The directions were etched in my mind. One left another left two doors down take a left and the bed to the right. There she laid looking out the window enjoying the view of the park “Remember the first time I gave you Raspberry Chocolate chip ” “Hi” “You thought it would taste weird but you ate it and loved it. Now it’s your favorite. How are you sweetie” “Fine” “Your on time as always.” I shrugged. We heard footsteps and both turned our eyes to the door. My father stood at the door .Looking in with his blank expression. It never changed. We looked back at each other. “How are you hun” “Fine” that was my robotic answer to that question every time she asked. “The doctor said I might leave soon maybe next week “ I found it hard to believe. For just like my father’s blank expression stays so was my mother’s stay here in the hospital. Permanent even if I would have preferred otherwise. This I am certain of because it happens always. Like an endless cycle. She says she might leave but she always relapses staying here. Her new home. The hours ticked by without ceasing. Alas! Visiting hours came to an end. I said my byes and walked out just as I entered, silently. I arrived home leaving the large building behind the trees in the Park. I walked to my room and sat on my bed . I took my shoes off one by one. I turned on my ihome to repeat on coldplay’s- Beautiful world. I sank into my bones. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tear so many tears. I felt like an overflowing cup. It stopped. I felt like I never cried but I felt the stain on my cheek ;the burn in my throat. I guess my crying was a cup. I’ve poured out all in me and was left empty and dry. I blinked my eyes getting rid of the fluid keeping them shut. Looked at the clock, 7:30. Got up changed my shirt ,pulled on my shoes, took up my ipod plugged in the headphones. I walked downstairs to find my father left as usual. Just me in my empty house , never felt like home. I went outside on the steps and waited . “Big head , come on” Kenen said from his bike. I got up ,jumped on and we were off to Dower street. The movie was funny, that’s what I though considering everyone was laughing. I didn’t but I have a problem not them. The movie was a mixture of fake blood, bad puns and amateur filming but I wasn’t a critic so what does it matter. We walked out an hour and ninety minutes later to a crowd buzzing about the previous screening. “Hey, you wanna go to the forest ” Kenen asked. I didn’t even bother correcting him. “Sure” We biked over to the park. Kenen went on about how cool black comedies are. I shrugged to every question asked as I always did. We arrived in the park and continued to or favorite spot under the trees. We sat down then eventually were on our backs scooping out the stars we could barely see. All the beauty of the stars was hidden by the clouds and bright lights. Life seems to be like that sometimes. Maybe my feelings were there just hiding by all the clouds of life and the bright lights blinded my eyes. “Umm. Allinna” “Yes Kenen” “I--” his voice broke “you?” “Forget it” It became awkwardly quiet. I heard his breathing come closer and closer to my ears. I turned my face to his. Gasp . His soft lips invaded my lips. The touch set of a wave of feelings I never remembered . A tear traveled down my cheek. I rushed in to it until I felt like I was falling….deeply into a trench of happiness. I no longer felt like an empty cup. Bleeeeep Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep Bleeeeeeep What was that? “Call the doctor . The patient is experiencing a heart palpitation”someone shouted. I opened my eyes to unnoticeable faces. Where the hell was Kenen ? “Kenen!” “She’s hallucinating.” I felt a sharp pinch in my thigh. I was off again Beep Beeep Beep That sound? What the hell is it? I opened my eyes slowly. “Ms. ___” a man in a white coat stood over the bed I laid in. “Who --are --you?” I felt my voice crack . “I’m doctor Coates. Your Doctor” “Where am I ?” “You’re in room 505 of the coma ward.” “What” I remembered my mother. “Umm where’s my mom.. She’s in this hospital.” “I’m sorry . She no longer is with us” “She’s a live” I spoke with a joy in my eye “I’m sorry but no” What. Something, I felt something in my eyes ,water, the unfamiliar sting of tears in my throat and the ache in my chest. i thought i gotten rid of since that time. The doctor left the room. I was in a coma…Was it all a dream. When did I get checked into a hospital I can’t remember anything but ironically I finally found my feelings. The clouds were cleared and the lights dimmed. I don’t want this, any off this. The dreams were better than reality. “I believe I’ve lost my mind” Too many feelings the love, the pain. I want to be an empty cup. The shock of emotions pierced through my blood like little needles. A nurse walked into my room and did her job but I didn’t notice her I was to busy trying to see if all I knew or thought I knew was real or not. The nurse left. I crawled out the bed. “I can’t handle the truth” I slugged my way to the bathroom . I could feel a heaviness in my bones . I filled the bathtub and stepped in….What was I doing…OH I knew what is was doing.I would no longer feel the agony of this. I’d go back to sleep .I’ll slowly sink …Slipping away. For the truth is I’m never going to go back to that dream and I don’t want to come back to this reality.

Bleep Bleeeeeeeeeeeep Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppp~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It never made sense too me, Feelings. I could have been falling from a cliff and feel the same as I would if I ate my favorite icecream , Raspberry chocolate chip.- Alinna.