Daydreaming

Thunder

Start // 4:35 am

I just realized how terrified I am of thunder and lightning.

When the lightning shines repeatedly in my eyes, it reminds me of the hot flashes I had, right before I crashed down trying to stop the pain. When the thunder would sound, it would shake my entire body. The floor. The furniture. The unfinished can of soda propped on my desk. My untouched books messy on my bed that I said I'd study through. It remind me of how my body was shaking, too.

Only the weather had nothing to do with it.

It was from all the sobbing and uncontrollable hate I had for myself. It was all the rage and sadness I felt when you said you were leaving, and that it was for the best.

It didn't make sense. At least the weather made sense.

It was a natural occurrence.

There was nothing natural about how hard I was shaking or how hard I was crying.

The only thing I love from all this is the rain. It feels so nice when you're under it.

You feel lighter, and obviously wetter, and for some reason, it's okay. I like how it feels. Sometimes I like how it sounds.

Today I don't.

It's raining at its hardest, to the point where you can't enjoy being under it. The strength of how fast it falls will only destroy you.

Or maybe it won't. It's water. It's not a solid. Then again your actions and words weren't either.

So why did those two things destroy me when the rain couldn't?

I wished it worked the opposite way. I can control whether I stand under the rain or not. I can't control what you say and how I react to it.

The sound of the rain is violent tonight. It matches my own violent heartbeat.

Violent sobbing. The sound matches the drumming I hear in my ears while I plead that this shouldn't be real, pleading for you to come back to eventually fuck me over again.

You'd think the rain would drown out my ability to think properly. It only ever enhanced the sadness I had for you.

Sometimes I wish you did come back. However, I know that when you do, you'll bring the thunder, the lightning, the rain, all so unpleasant, and my fear of the unknown of what we are.

I understand now why I am afraid of lightning and thunder and even the rain, that I claim to love so much.

They are attributes of myself that I don't ever want to endure again. Vulnerability.

My inability to ability.

So I sit here.

In my inability to ability, praying for the soft pitter patter in opposed to the lumbering forces of my broken heart.

End // 5:01

A/N: I promised myself I wouldn't wallow in my sadness but as it seems, I can't help it. Well, hope you have a nice day and that whatever it is you're going through, hopefully you can make it out with a smile <3