Unsure Heart

Chapter 1: Introduction

Hi! Yeah, my name's Ada. Ada Ruiz and ikukwento ko sainyo ang story ko. I'm 21 turning 22 on September and I just graduated in college and currently looking for a job. I'm the youngest and I have an older brother named, David Ruiz.

My mom and dad were separated. I was very young when they decided to part their ways. My brother and I lived with our mother before but now that I'm 21 I'm living in a small apartment all by myself. It might be small but the best thing about it is maganda ang view nya lalo na pag maggagabi na. Also, I like it when I go out of my apartment early in the morning to see the sun rising up and I'll just put up my hands and face my palm towards the sun and its light passing right through the spaces between my fingers. I think it's really beautiful and while listening to my music-one word to describe it, "Perfect", like life couldn't be better.

Since we're talking about music, music is my life. Every state of my emotions has specific bands or genres I'm listening in to. It has been a part of me since I was so little. I also play guitar and I write poems and songs. I always wanted to be a singer but it was so hard to be one, too many good singers to compete with, knowing yung magagaling na singers kaya I prefer nalang to make it a hobby na magsulat ng kanta kahit di ko sya nirerelease. Also, Emotionally, I am weak. I get depressed so easily. So what I usually do when I'm confused, depressed or upset? I prefer na lumabas or maglibang while figuring things out.

Also, I'm single-just in case you wanted to know and... on top of that, I am a lesbian or for those who are very specific with gender preferences, I 'm kinda like a Femme Lesbian. I don't know, I said "kinda" because typically, femme lesbians wear makeup and high heels, skinny and beautiful and fashionistas-I'm not like that. I just simply wear jeans and shirts and I don't wear makeup so much. Nakaktamad din kasi minsan to be honest. So, basically occasionally lang ako mag makeup or pumorma.

So, with that being said, most people will ask me when I tell them that I am lesbian-do I have a girlfriend? To tell you honestly, yes I did had one before. I'd like to call her "The Bitch" kasi she's crazy, like hell-crazy. She's indecisive, confused and she LOVES making up stories. So, we met on the internet. I practically don't know how I am going to find one kasi that time di pa ako aware talaga on how does homosexual world revolves dito satin so I went on the internet instead to look for one. Okay, so, I was very young like 18-years-old young, stupid, in love and careless then I met her-The Bitch. I don't know why I fell in love with her though consciously knowing that I kept on seeing the warning signs, na alam mong may mali pero go ka parin. I knew there's something fishy going on with her and she's suspicious right from the start and since I'm stupid enough to ignore it I still went on and continued talking with her. Believe it or not she had me believe her shitty stories and then after 10 days she broke up with me. Funny thing is it took me a year to move on. I thought maybe because no one ever gave me a chance and I was so stupid that's why I destroyed my wall of defense and used a wrecking ball to bring it down. I don't wanna be called like stupid or something because I already knew that. I made a mistake so yeah I don't want anyone to shove it on my face so instead of telling people that I had one before, I tell them that I never had one ever. So, obviously, they'll ask me another question which I've already anticipated, "Have you ever been with a guy before then?" Then of course I'd say "No." So, basically people would say, since you never had a girlfriend ever however claiming that you are a lesbian and you have never been with a guy, they would come up with a conclusion that I am just confused, that I should try to have a boyfriend before coming up with an idea that I'm lesbian and in my head I'd be like, "Oh, so I have been confused for 21 years now. Perfect." So, I'll just suddenly change the topic to avoid it. So basically, from what people would always tell me, they know me better than I know myself. Sinasabi nila na subukan ko mag-boyfriend kasi baka magbago pa daw pananaw ko and I hate it. The feels, right? Nakakairita lang.

Anyway, The reason why I can't have a girlfriend is I think I always, ALWAYS fall for straight girls or kung hindi naman taken na sila or ayaw makipag relationship, I don't know. You might be saying, "Well, of course you won't!" but I think I am a masochist. We'll that's life para saakin.

Also, I realized that there are types of people in this world to balance it. There are rich and poor, bad and good, lucky and unlucky etc. I think to balance the world I'm one of those who are the unlucky ones. I'd like to think of it that way so that I can tell myself at least I was contributing to this world by balancing it besides paying my taxes na napakalaki pero ayaw ko ng pag usapan ang politika at taxes. Sumasakit ulo ko dyan at shempre alam ko namang mas gusto nyo marinig ang story ko e.

Anyway, I once had a dream that I have a girlfriend that is rich, beautiful, caring and independent. She walks in to a room as if everyone should stop what they're doing and stare at her. Lahat naman siguro ng lesbians dream yun eh, that's basically a cliché na pero shempre no matter how clichéd yung dream na iyon we would still want to live it up. I really love daydreaming though; it gives me hope that one day I'll find the girl that could really love me. I always write poems and songs so that one day I could read and sing them to her. I am not rich nor can I give her everything in this world but what I can offer her is my life and love with all my heart.

Although everything's happening so fast I still am trying to catch up. It's really overwhelming for me that now I have to stand up on my own two feet. Ang bilis kasi ng panahon, kahapon lang nag aaral ako tapos ngayon kailangan ko nang magtrabaho for the rest of my life. I guess I didn't prepare myself so well to this new chapter. However, I'm looking forward to what awaits for me in the real world whether it's good or bad and in the hopes of finding someone too, I am ready to try once again.

One thing I learned is that I find love depressively motivating. For some reasons, of all the things that happened to me I still hope for someone to come and make me believe again that there really is something called "real love", yung tipong may isang tao kang makikita tapos di mo na sya makalimutan talaga. Maybe because it's a human nature-that no man is an island. With that said, no matter what you do, no matter how rich you are, or you can even buy the world; you will never be happy when you're not sharing it with someone you love. After that long day of yours trying to get busy to forget that you don't need someone when you get home and drinking your whisky, looking out the window you would still feel alone and wonder why you don't feel whole despite having it all. Every night nag-iisip ako, sana itong unan na yakap ko ngayong gabi ay yung taong pinakamamahal ko. Siguro naman we all thought about that not just me.