Remember November

Chapter Three

"I love you in ways that I have never loved anyone else, and that scares the living hell out of me," is the text I woke up to from Ian. He sent this text at 3:11 a.m. Thankfully the text sorted out his feelings for me, now I don't have to wonder if he likes me or if he doesn't.

"I'm scared too. But we can try this together," I replied. I wasn't positive if he actually loves me or if he was just confused. I won't lie, I'm confused myself. Am I even in love with him? "How do you know when you're in love?" I asked myself. It's so easy to tell people, "I love you," but it's not that easy to tell people "I'm in love with you, and everything you are and are yet to be." But, if you feel that way about someone, does that make it love? 

Everyday you see couples. You see them in restaurants, you see them walking down the street, you see them sneaking a couple kisses in the hallways at school in between bells. I always wanted to be in a relationship like that, where strangers look and me and my boyfriend and say, "They're a cute couple." 

But how do I get there?

How do I sort my feelings?

How do I know which feelings are genuine and which aren't?

How will I be able to give someone my everything, if I'm not even willing to give anything to myself?

I thought to myself for a few minutes, before I got out of bed to eat breakfast. This is my life. I will be in love sooner or later, whether or not it works out every time I don't know, but I knew that was certain. But is it possible to be in true love at sixteen?

"Dayna are you up yet?" My mom quietly knocked on my door. "It's time to get ready for school, you don't want to be late!" 

"Okay Mom, I'm coming."

I didn't walk to school with Ian that morning because my mom drove me, and I was going to ask Ian if he wanted a ride but I didn't want my mom and him to meet yet, just in case something between us went wrong even though she already knows about him.

I couldn't live these days in fear, I had to live up to the fact that I'm fully obligated to be in love and hold a relationship. It isn't so much that I feared love. It was more so that I feared what could happen to lead to the heartbreak after. That's what I was most afraid of. I know it's okay to be vulnerable with the person you love. I know it's good to open up and show them parts of yourself that make you worth loving. I know you're supposed to show them a side to you that nobody else sees. I just feared that side of me not being loved. I feared that maybe I'm not good enough, or I'm not what Ian expected. 

And honestly, I really want to move things further with Ian. I really, really want to become exclusive and be more intimate with him. Hell, I've wanted it for three and a half years. I'm just never at peace with my desires. Anyways, it was time to get ready for school. 

That day must have been the slowest school day I've had yet. It was raining the whole day which brought everyone to a state of fatigue. Nobody wanted to do anything today, not even my teachers were bright and vibrant. Finally now it was time to go home. Ian and I were at our lockers almost ready to leave when Danny approached me.

"Hey Dayna, I'm glad I caught up to you. I never got your number the other day because I was too much of a baby to ask."

Really, Danny, right in front of Ian?

"Hi. I'm Ian, Dayna's boyfriend."

Wait, what? I'm Ian's girlfriend now?

"Oh, hi Ian, I'm Danny."

"So why do you want Dayna's number?" Ian asked.

"Ian stop," I said, "I got a ride with him the other day and he's in my English class." I whispered to Ian, "He's new and I'm helping him adjust."