another again. ( sza x jhene )

the real meaning of the double peace signs in raquelle's pictures.

akemi.

[ april 20th, 2015 ]

i winced with every stroke and probably whimpered in the beginning, but he probably took it as a sign of him putting in work. mmm. "shit, girl, imma bust!" jacob (or was it jason? jaylin?) grunted, thrusting in and out of me.

i bit back a hiss of annoyance and mumbled an "of course you are," underneath him. not even a whole two minutes and he was almost done. you would've thought since he was packing 7 inches he'd be decent enough to make you cúm twice but all i got out of it was a constant pain in my stomach and sheets to wash.

thirty seconds of him violently thrusting...
ten of him making sounds, trying to gather himself and not look like a bitch by the way he came...
seven seconds of failing...
two of miserably failing...
then it was over.

without wasting a second, i rolled out of bed and rushed into the bathroom to pee and grab him a warm washcloth to clean up with. he graciously took it and wiped himself down, then looked at me. "you want me to-"

"leave. i want you to leave and don't come back. the pipe was wack." i made a mental note to thoroughly sterilize the trash can by my bed later, too many condoms had been tossed in there these days and i needed to rid myself of the memories.

"damn, it's like that?" he looked hurt. then, it amused me how he turned his back to me while pulling his true religion jeans back on, maybe to hide the invisible (yet visible) bruise to his ego. as far as i know, i don't owe him shit and i wasn't about to lie to this motherfucker. i suppose he wasn't used to bitches being honest with him.

i pulled on my plush robe to hide my partially naked body. i wasn't wearing my lacy thong anymore, but he couldn't coax me out of my pushup bra. "yes. and you better not come back this way, either."

he scrunched up his face and scowled at me. "fuck you, chinky bitch. you wasn't nothing but a nut no way."

he wasn't saying anything slick to a can of oil. "glad to see the feeling's mutual," i quipped, shooting him a tight-lipped smile. "unfortunately, you couldn't deliver, so i'll need to finish myself off if i can function tomorrow. bye."

i shoved him out of the door and locked it behind him, irritated at myself for a few reasons. one, i was mad that i brought him back here. ain't no jamie here to blame it on the alcohol ; i was sober when i brought him here. never fucking bring anyone here. two, i went out looking for a dude tonight. yes, i was yearning for flesh instead of the plastic that raquelle fucked me with when she was in the mood to be 'the man', but i couldn't find shit. everybody here lately was a disappointment.

and by everybody, i mean everybody. guys, girls, anybody who looked like a good time. i didn't claim no type of orientation because labels get messy and melt in the heat of the moment, but instead just went with whatever i wanted. sometimes i craved the softness of a girl and the hardness (literally and figuratively) of men repulsed me, but sometimes i needed my fix of aggression, hair pulling and a heavy hand.

that was part of the reason i allowed myself to fuck with raquelle for so long. with her, you never knew if you'd be dominated, or if you'd need to be the aggressor. the constant struggle for control between us was so fun, it really kept me coming back.

i think it drove her crazy. around the time i let her go, she was talking some mess about how she had "he" days and "she" days, some ole bullshit that made no sense to me. shouldn't it be either or? i couldn't wrap my head around it so i dipped. months later, tumblr has explained it to me just fine, so that's not an issue. the issue isn't understanding, it's me.

as bad as it sounds... what i felt, what i feel, it had to be conditional. if it were unconditional, i wouldn't give a second thought to raquelle's requests to change up her pronouns. i would've tried understanding and asked important questions. i would've promised to be there for her and stuck it out.