HOW FAR I CAN LET YOU SINK

Anatomy of a Goodbye

Play another song here, then you can leave

 

With your delicate wings, I used to weave

Sometimes, it’s bitterly sad to sit on a chair and remember. Remember what you’ve lost, what you had…what you loved. It’s been a lot since the last time I thought about Anthony. He’s been a protected and locked topic for too much though, it’s time for me to take him back in my memory and eventually, when I feel ready, to let him go. Every time I start thinking about him, I become my own prey ; I blame myself because I didn’t do enough, because I was too weak to say something to my best friend, to say  that he was too near to the edge, that he could have fallen out of the shield he tried in vain to mould. I was too angry with him because he would not listen to me and so I let him alone and for that… I hate myself every day of my life. I’d do anything just to go back and change what I was too afraid to change at that time; to save him.

Although I am already awake, I won’t stand up. I have developed an unhealthy fear of the dark, so I will wait for the dawn, I will wait for a little sun ray to penetrate in the chasm I am in. The hours of silence and stillness flow slow and painful. Silence is impossible for me to bear. Thoughts take possession of my head, memories start to scratch my flesh with their sharp nails, their disfigured faces beg for mercy, they want to go away, and this time, this night, I’m ready to give them this opportunity, I will set them free.

“You are so slow Ian!” Anthony made me notice while making his character run faster than mine. He reloaded his shotgun and killed almost half of the enemies I was supposed to kill. I let him do that, so I could keep my bullets for the last person I had to kill, who usually is the most difficult one. It actually turned out that wasn’t that strong, a single bullet did the work.

“See, I’m better that you even in videogames!” he shouted after the joysticks started to vibrate and the game said he won that round. He killed more people, but it was all thanks to my strategy. I didn’t say anything though, just nodded, acted. I found myself acting a little too much recently.  The way I used to behave in front of the camera was just a part I was forced to play. “Rec” became our magic word. I wasn’t me anymore, I became Ian from Smosh, not Ian Hecox anymore. It’s like selling your soul to the devil: you obtain what you want just by giving away a part of you. I started to understand I missed my old life, my old best friend, my old….me. Anthony didn’t seem to mind it, on the contrary, he was enjoying this. YouTube was our stage and sometimes I couldn’t wait for the audience to clap, stand up and go back home, while Anthony wanted the curtains to always stay open. We never talked about this. Maybe because we didn’t need to, or maybe because we became puppets, and it’s well know that puppets don’t speak… at least not with their real voice.

“You wanna play another round?” I asked looking at him counting his points on his phone.

“So I can beat you another time?” said Anthony looking towards me with his challenge-face.

“No, so I can kick your ass.” I replied and click the start button again. Just like old times we were completely immersed in the game, giving each other little nudges when one would kill the other one. I liked playing video games with him because I felt like we didn’t start that Smosh thing, I felt like we were still in his old house, playing Halo instead of studying. The only difference was that, that time, every second was recorded, every of our movements or glances captured by that damn camera which would have kept that moments with it and it would have made it petty and meaningless.  I was the only one to think it that way: Anthony had been corrupted by money and fame or whatever, that he couldn’t see he was becoming obsessed with Smosh. The only time he would call me, would be because he had this magical idea about a video and not anymore because he wanted to talk with me. Our relationship became a constrained one, it was all about business.

“We’ll see that.” I tried to say with an high-pitched voice. Always the same things: smile, curse, scream, stupid face, joke, mumble nonsense and repeat. Our life was like a video game where we controlled a character but in the end we had  no power on it, because we had been told which buttons to press , where we had to go, what we had to do, but video games have an end nevertheless, and I was waiting for the credits to start going.

This time we were a team.

“OK Ian don’t worry, I got this one.” He said before he scarified his character (obviously not on purpose) and saved mine.

“I wonder what would have happened if you didn’t.”  I laughed and pushed his arms with my elbow. We kept playing for one hour, then stopped to say temporarily “goodbye” to our fans. When we were done, he stoop up to switch the camera off, but I started to talk.

“I didn’t turn on the camera when you asked me.” I said almost shouting.

He turned slowly around and I could perceive the anger taking control of him.

“And why didn’t you tell me, like, I don’t know, before we fucking started to play?” Said Anthony gritting a little his teeth and doing that weird thing with his nostrils.

 “What the eye can’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over, right?” He didn’t say a word so I half-opened my eyes.

“Is it so important for you?” I asked him looking away after I did. His cheeks became bright red.

“Are you fucking kidding me Ian?” Anthony spitted out.

“I’m not.” I was damn serious that time, there was no way this stupid job was taking my best friend away. I was the one who managed to swim and now my duty was not to let him sink, to remove the water from his lungs and make him breathe again.

“I miss playing video-games with you without fucking recording every second of it, you know, just us.” I admitted.

“But recording is what we do, is what we always did.”

“No Anthony! We started to do this for fun, and then it became an obligation and-”

“Then go away. Just leave.” He said opening his arms. “You know where the door is.”

I nodded. He was right, I had to leave, I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped. “Fine. Have fun, asshole.” Said I and left.

He once said that he could see from my eyes when I was lying, because he knew me well. I guess he was wrong because I lied that time. I did switch the camera on, he had that video, so he could see in my eyes every time he wanted, that he didn’t know anything about me.   

soooo thi was the first chapter, hope you liked it, make sure to listen to the song on the right while reading. :)