The Non-Shriveling Rose

Scattered Chapters - Chapter 4 (Death & Life)

It is a strange feeling that we feel when we hear the news that a relative or a friend has passed away. It is not just sadness and grief, it is something else. Maybe because we deep inside fear to face that moment ourselves, we fear death. Or maybe because subconsciously we start remembering memories with that person then imagine future memories without them.

The closer they are to you, the harder it is.

I was experiencing this feeling when my brother called me to tell me that my uncle has passed away, he was the one who helped move on when my father died, he acted like a second father, which really cared, loved and helped me all the time.

I was worried about my mom, knowing that if I feel this way, how would she feel losing her brother?

It was terrible because I was alone in United Arab Emirates, not able to attend the funeral in Egypt, and not able to compensate my mother in Bahrain.

It was a mess, until a message popped on my Facebook "Sorry about your loss". The message was from my love sister's account. The message then was followed by "This is me (Her Name), not (Her Sister's Name)".

I didn't know what to say, it was already 3 years since we broke up, I never heard from her since. I didn't know if this would help me get back to my senses or drive me even crazier.

"Thank you for sending your condolences, it is much appreciated" I typed back. "I know what he meant to you, so I can imagine how you feel now" she sent.

I thought in my head "Hell, I don't know how I feel now, I'm sad for losing my uncle, but I'm happy to hear from her, or should I be happy to hear from her?"

I felt the need to speak to her, I wanted to know how did she live every minute since we broke up, I wanted to know if she had thoughts of me "of course she did, then why did she send me this message", I wanted to tell her about my miserable life without her and most importantly I wanted to know why she left me in the first place.

She acted interested in talking to me as well, but she was reluctant, afraid that I will take that as we are back together. I acted very rude myself, I wanted her to feel that I don't care, but it was very difficult for me keep up with this act.

"Can we talk?" I asked, "What to talk about?" She replied with a hint that she only wanted to compensate me and nothing more. I played the sympathy need card "you know talking to you always helped me get through the dark times". "I can find sometimes to chat later on" she replied. "How can we chat when you blocked me everywhere?" I said acting rude again. "Add this email" she typed and we will chat later.

I signed in, added her email and then waited. I was hoping that she is already online the moment I add her email. I lost track of time thinking about life and death, how can a death of someone be a sort of rebirth for our love?

I knew we could be back together, even though we hadn't spoken yet, even though she didn't want to show me any glimpse of hope that we could be back. But somehow I felt it.

The annoying notifying sound of someone signing in became the perfect harmony to my ears when I looked to see her nickname glowing on my screen. "Hi" I sent, "Hello" she sent back after a pause of some seconds. She followed her hello by "How are you doing now? I hope you feel better". I couldn't understand my own feeling, hence I couldn't explain it "I'm fine, I guess" I typed.

I wanted to ask her so many questions, yet I had to start a conversation first, I cannot go ahead and ask her "Why did you leave me" all of a sudden.

We talked about things like how did my uncle die, her grades in college and my new job. I wasn't interested in talking about myself, I wanted to hear from her more, maybe she will drop a hint here or there about why did she leave me.

We seemed to have fun, having some past smiles back, and some relief in my heart. She reminded me every now and then "We are just talking, don't misunderstand things".

"Can I ask you a question?" I typed, "I don't know" she answered like she already knew the question. I didn't need permission after all so I asked "Why did you leave me? Do you have any idea what I went through?"

There was a long pause after these questions, and I was monitoring the screen up closely afraid that the glowing nickname will go dark again, turning my life back to blackness the moment the signed out message appears.

But it didn't happen, I started receiving messages instead, "Do you have any idea what I went through?" she sent, "I was emotionally killed every time she spoke about us, I couldn't stand it anymore, we had to break up" she typed.

I was so confused I didn't know who is she speaking about, or what does she mean, but I just knew she was crying. I knew because I can see her through her typed letter, any message that comes from her is like a window that peaks into her room where I can see her.

"Don't cry please, tell me what are you talking about" I typed, "My Aunt, she was hurting me with words every time I see her, saying that you don't love me, that I was your second choice". Her words went through my heart like spikes craving for me to bleed more bloods. She reminded me of my biggest mistakes which I tried my best to make amends but never seemed to work. But that is another story; I had to reply and quick.

"And did you believe that is true after all what we've been through" I sent, "I don't know anything anymore, I just wanted the pain to stop"

All I wanted to do is to calm her down, even if meant transferring all the pain she feels in my chest, I always tell her so, I wish she feels no pain, sadness or any other negative feeling, I hope anything bad happens to me while she stays safe and happy.

"I'm sorry; I never knew about this, why didn't you tell me? I wish you could tell me" I told her, "Whatever done is done, we cannot change things now" she replied. "I don't believe that is true, there are millions of things that can be done to change things" I confirmed. "Starting by giving me another chance to make amends, to do right and to prove everybody thought that you were not my first love wrong" I typed.

"It is too early to speak about that, but it was nice speaking to you after all this time" she typed. "Does that mean we will be speaking again" I said with an enthusiastic way. "Yes we will do, but that doesn't mean we are back together" she replied.

Hope, this was the right word to describe my conclusion of this whole conversation. I always dreamed of hope, but never seen it. In this day I could peak to see some rays of light passing through my cracked door, I felt there is a sun out there, maybe our dark nights are finally over.