sometimes

Sometimes I lie back and curse the hole I've been born with; the hole that men want to put their things inside; the hole that makes them want to sweat and grunt and groan like animals; the hole that keeps me here on my back in this room. It wasn't always like this.

Sometimes I lie back and think about my life before; my family; my mother who cried when they came to take me away; my father who looked at the ground and walked away; my little brother. I pray that he doesn't grow up to become a sweaty, grunting, groaning animal. I wonder if they know what I do.

Sometimes I think about another life. A life that isn't mine; and never has been and never will be. A life I'd seen on TV; a life where I went to school and became a doctor. I wanted to be a doctor. I studied hard when I was at school and I was clever. But after the flood and my family had no money, something had to be sold to put food on the table. Sometimes I remember happiness.

Sometimes they flip me over. There's another hole they like. I didn't know about that and was surprised the first time and screamed. I was hit for that. I was hit for many things, but that was the first time I was really hit hard. My mouth didn't work for almost a week. I didn't want to eat anyway. Eating meant 'going' and going hurt.

Sometimes I pretend that I'm dead. They don't seem to notice, or maybe they don't care. They pay for the hole. If I'm alive or dead doesn't seem to matter. I'm supposed to pretend to enjoy it. I stopped pretending a long time ago. I look at them from dead eyes and I see dead eyes.

Sometimes I count how many there are in a day and sometimes I lose count.  Sometimes I fall asleep before they finish. Sometimes they are kind to me and gentle. Sometimes they hurt me to see me cry, but I don't cry. They can't hurt me anymore. Sometimes I wonder about who they are and who will be next. Sometimes I wonder about who I am and who I will be next.