notes // muke {WATTYS 2018 }

>> 81 <<

okay well um....where do I start? anywhere I guess.

okay so when I was small, about 5 or 6 my dad left me and my mum. my mom was so depressed for the longest time she actually tried to kill herself....eventually....her constant trying paid off. I was about 13 when that happen. I thought eventually she would get happy but she never did. there's more within those years though.

when I was around 8 she started seeing other guys. she was happy for awhile but they all eventually left her. She tried talking to a therapist but nothing seemed to help.

after my mum had left me I got really depressed. I kept thinking it was my fault. I still think it is. that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't ran away that night. I just added onto her grief.

I got put into an orphanage but whenever someone came they ignored me like I was a pile of garbage sitting on the side of the street waiting to be picked up. I was the freak that no one wanted. I didn't even have friends at the orphanage.

a year after my mum left one of her old boyfriends came back to the house. I told him she wasn't there but he didn't come for her. for a couple weeks he would call me Mikey and "casually" touch me, but I brushed it off as accidental touches. but then one night he came to the house drunk and raped me. he wouldn't stop no matter how hard I fought back. he kept mocking me saying "no one can help you Mikey. especially your mum. you caused her sadness. it's all your fault"

{ WARNING: triggering part )): stay strong loves }

soon my whole school found out and made fun of me. I was bullied. kicked, shoved into walls, made fun off ect. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was trapped. so I did something most teenagers do. got a little piece of sharp metal and ran it over my skin. It helped with the emotional pain I was feeling so i continued. then people at school started to notice my wrist. they called my emo and "a depressed little shit". they told me I should just end my life because I wasn't worth anyones time.

eventually I started hearing these.....voices....they took control of me. I started becoming more violent. I started beating people up and I eventually drowned a couple people. that's why im here...

so yeah....now you know. I think that's it. you probably think I'm a freak now.

- m