Sleep . Phan .

19.

Dear Dan,

It has been exactly 72 days. 73 days since I last saw you alive. 72 days since you were last alive. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I'm not going to lie and say everyone is still sobbing at the thought of you. But you're on everybody's minds. Especially mine. It has been 72 days since I had a good nights sleep.

Why did you have to do this? Why? You should have talked to me about it more. I should have confronted you. I shouldn't have only been a shoulder to cry on a few days out of the month. I should have been there 24/7.

I want to hate you. I want to curse you to hell for leaving me this way. But I can't. You were such an important part of my life and I took that for granted. So I hate myself instead.

I should have noticed your lack of sleep. I should have noticed you being unfocused. I should never have gone to see my parents. I should have stayed. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I should have made you hot chocolate and bought you Muse tickets. We should have gone on holidays. I should have been there.

When news of your departure spread nobody took it well. People started fights. A lot of people took a break for a few weeks from YouTube. People closed their fan accounts. I quit YouTube.

Chris and PJ have been great. They've been coming over every week checking that I've been eating and cleaning and if I haven't they've been helping me.

I want to hate you. But when I try to I just imagine how you looked when you were most vulnerable. And I can't.

I'm so tired now. I haven't slept at all in a few days and I haven't had a proper nights sleep in 2 months.

I want to hate you.
I just want to hate you.

Love,
Phil

LOL YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER BUT NO HERES AND EXTRA CHAPTER NOW IT REALLY IS OVER I AM SORRY BUT LIKE LOL BYE