A Look Into My Mind.

Desparity

It's dark inside; scary and painful. Dark in a way that gives you nightmares. Scary in a way that paralyzes you when all you want to do is run, scream, and hide, hoping it doesn't get worse. Painful in a way that takes all the air out of you and all you can do is hold your chest and sob silently. The kind of pain that breaks every bone in your body but you still walk down the halls at school and smile just to hide it. You don't want to be there. You don't know where you want to be, but certainly not there. One thing you do understand about yourself is that you don't want to be anywhere. You just want to keep moving. Like you're not meant to stay in one place like those around you. You know what's best for yourself but you have a hard time wanting to do it. You know you need to finish highschool, but you don't want to. You just want out. You just need to leave. It doesn't even matter where. Just as long as you're moving. You feel empty, in that darkness that fills you inside. Isn't that stupidly ironic? How something that fills you completely makes you feel unbelievably hollow and lost? You feel trapped. You know you hold the key to every door there is, but there's only one you want to unlock. The one that gets you away and allows you to leave everything else behind. You get overwhelmed when you begin to think. But you think ALL the time. You want to cut yourself out of your own skin and just get out of your own head but there's another you that's holding you down, telling the you that wants to leave all of the reasons you need to stay. You hate to admit that they're right but you stay. You tell yourself to be patient, to stay, to be positive and optimistic. Deep down you know that all you have to do is reach down and pull yourself out of this depression but you're scared, terrified, petrified. You just know that once you allow yourself to be happy and enjoy things again, something is going to happen to shut it all down again. You've been able to convince yourself to go back to therapy and get back on medication but you secretly don't want it to work so you have an excuse, a reason, to leave. You look down the metaphorical tunnel that you're in and you see two different ends that you can exit from. One is shorter that the other. Bright and happy. Warm and welcoming. The other seems to stretch on for what looks like to be forever with no sign of a light any time soon. What is keeping you from warmth? Why do you have no courage. I know you're angry inside. I know you just want to break down and let it all out. You want all the pain and emotions inside to cease but like I said before, you feel trapped. Like you don't have any other choice but to stay this way. You don't feel as though you deserve to be happy. You fight yourself every day you get up for school and all day. You're at war and no one is winning. You're broken and don't even want to bother with fixing yourself. It hurts. It needs to end. The brokenness and emptiness needs to end. All of it. It can't be like this anymore. I refuse to let it be like this anymore. It isn't healthy. I am mentally unstable. It doesn't seem safe for me to be alone. It all gets so much worse when I'm alone. The details I see in the constant flash backs. I beg myself to make it stop but I feel as though I must suffer for some reason. Like I have something to prove, not only to the people in my life, but to myself as well. You go through out your days as if nothing is wrong but at the same time you make jokes about your problems. You encourage others online to stay strong and to be happy when you can barely convince yourself to do the same. You aren't sure how much more patient you can be and you struggle incredulously with your religion but you don't want to turn away from it. You're too sensitive but you're numb at the same time. You are perceived as a happy, kind person. Your friends love you. Think you're funny. But none of it matters. Because as soon as you take off that mask, all you feel is disparity.

At the time this was written, I was depressed. It's not only me talking to myself when I use the second person but also knowing how someone else feels. It's me, but you as well. It's my own thoughts, explaining to myself how I feel and what's going on inside. I'm only just now publishing it because I wasn't sure how to end it. So I hope you enjoy my morbid writings as well as my future ones as well :)