Horrifying

"What did you learn?" You ask me as I stare out the window to the rolling plains behind it.

I stare as is shrug my slumped shoulders sinking deeper into the seat, "a lot."

"Like what?", you push, eyes hopeful.

I squint scrapping my brain for any information, well anything that will keep me and my trembling heart hidden, I settle,"bad association spoils useful habits."

"And what did you think about the examples of their faith?"

I shake head putting on my 'confused' mask, "which ones" although know very well.

You shift glaring at the thoughts wafting onto your tongue, "you know about the boy being asked out"

I start to panic slowly, only you don't notice. Or maybe you do. I sigh as silently as possible clenching my shaking hands shut and out of sight under winter coat. I don't hear you. I don't hear the so called love you have for everyone. I don't hear the so called salvation you wish to think leaks out of your mouth like the smoke of the cleansing heavenly seraphs above. What leaks Instead is the foul and unforgiving. The demonic concerto of disapproval, disdain, and disconnect. The furious poison that radiates in my ears breaking my skull whispering promises of worthless gain.

Horrifying.

You lie with every word. You don't know me. You fear me. You hate me. I'm...

Horrifying.

I open mouth under the same guise of innocence and happiness all the while pushing back the tears that would reveal my being and soul."Oh yeah, I remember."

"I mean he was asked out by both boys and girls, don't you think they had to have a lot of faith to say no?"

I can feel it now. My cold uncaring exterior melting under the pressure, a cold bead of sweat rolls down my face. I'm shaking. I'm breaking. I'm crying.

Now I'm yelling, screaming obscenities through the baptism. You stare on in shock and confusion that slowly builds it's way up to anger. But I keep going. I keep going because I know this is my last chance. I know this because I'm less than human.

Because I'm a monster.

Because I'm horrifying.

I spill everything until I have nothing left. My breathing ragged, my neat outfit now ruffled, and wrinkled beyond repair. My eyes burn, but it's a good burn, one of redemption and acceptance of fate. Like a magma spilling out from a mountain I was free. Everything I hated, everything I loved was now laid out before your eyes. Every suffocating chocking breath I had taken over the years was revealed. Every exasperated cry for help was released.

I am not cold. I am a fire.

You stare as you watch the outside crumble from the inner blaze.

I am not a doll, not a marionette. I am in control.

I laugh as your rage boils. How does it feel losing your puppet. How dare you think I am you! My smile grows as I lose my composure at your sight. I've burnt you. Look at you and your whole life disintegrating around you! Your tears mean nothing! Your cries mean nothing. Not to me!

Because I'm horrifying!

How whimsical, how gay, how hilarious. Words hurt?! You don't say? Or rather you did! You all did! That's why we are here riding in the car at the stoplight that glares red with it's wise light. It sees the truth, it knows I'm here. Why couldn't you! You wanted to know how I felt right?! Well I told you, I showed you! I showed you how words could hurt!

Only I didn't.

I was still staring out the window of the car that bathed in sunlight at the stoplight we sat under. Still waiting while cars passed as if no great revelation had been cast out from my lips. Because it hadn't.

You're still looking at me, one eyebrow raised the question that had been posed still radiating in the stiff unmoving air. You don't know, you'd never understand that what was needed was more than faith. No God could save the damned, the horrified, or the horrifying. No amount of faith could fill the emptiness that word had caused or clear the ball of raw emotion that was choking my throat. I blinked and smiled still under the security of my calm facade. I opened my dry mouth ignoring the cracking sound that came from my long since clenched jaw. The poison had taken its effect. The word I had heard earlier had prevented me from lying any longer. It had broken me down farther than I had ever thought possible. Shattered me faster than the most breakable crystal. Yet claimed me like the most frightened prisoner. So I spoke the truest words I could:

"Yeah, It would."