Think Happy Thoughts

"Well, let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all

I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling"

I stared after him as his friends dragged me off.

"Jared!"

His name careened out desperately.

He turned away, pretending he couldn't hear me.

"Jared," I sobbed as they dragged me into the locker room.

"And now the red ones make me fly

And the blue ones help me fall

And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling"

I waited 'till my mom was at work before getting into the medicine cabinet. I popped a couple of her pills and waited for the high to kick in.

I stared down at the pistol resting gently in my hand; and pressed the barrel to my chin.

"And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall

Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts"

"Just think happy thoughts," I muttered.

Zakk gave me a look, "What?"

I snorted another line off the edge of the coffee table, "Think happy thoughts." I said slightly louder.

He laughed, "Yeah, just give it a second and we'll be flying the hell away from here."

"And we'll fly home

We'll fly home

You and I

We'll fly home"

"Let's run away," I blurted.

"Huh?" he asked, looking at me. Zakk's soft eyes were glazed from all the drugs.

"Well now I'm back in the middle of the day that starts it all.

I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling."

I convulsed in agony, crying out for help, someone had to hear me. . . I'd take anyone.

They all laughed as they took turns.

"And now these red ones make me fly,

And the blue ones help me fall.

And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling."

I swallowed several of mom's sleeping pills; curled up on the bed. Thoughts of how nice it would be to end what's left drifted by.

Sleep came and I dreamt of a world far away from here.

"And we'll fly home,

You and I,

We'll fly home."

"You and me, let's get out of here, we could go somewhere better. We could start a new life, just the two of us," I pleaded, holding his hands in mine and staring at his face longingly.

"We can't run away, Mikey," Zakk said. "Don't be stupid."

"Now honestly that's what I said to her, what I said to her

Think happy thoughts"

I scribbled down a note.

They had to know why I was doing this.

Maybe, they wouldn't be able to live with themselves either.

"Think happy thoughts"

I tried to escape, I couldn't, the pain only got worse. I had to get away.

But inevitably, I stopped trying.

"Think happy thoughts"

I double checked to make sure the gun was loaded before slipping into the bathroom.

"Think happy thoughts"

"Jared!" I tried one last time.

He averted his eyes from me.

"Think happy thoughts"

I walked into my mom's room and sat at the end of her bed. "Mom. Can I tell you something?"

"Sure. What is it?" she smiled at me as she paused her T.V.

I took in a deep shaky breath. "Jared's friends, they-they raped me," I began sobbing uncontrollably.

She slapped me.

"Think happy thoughts"

I popped some pills into my mouth and waited for them to take me away.

They didn't.

At some point the pills had stopped working. My only escape was gone.

"Think happy thoughts"

"What did I tell you about making things up, Mikey? They're good boys, they wouldn't do that."

I nodded. "Okay, mom. I'm sorry."

I knew that would happen. It wasn't the first time. Who would believe the drug addict loser over the honor student football stars?

"Think happy thoughts"

"Why didn't you do anything?" I sobbed.

All of Jared's friends had left; it was just the two of us.

"What the hell did you expect me to do?" he whispered.

"I don't want them to hate me."

"Think ha... wooo!"

In one slight motion, I end all my pain.

I can taste the blood in my mouth, my eyes catching on a black speck on the wall.

                         Maybe now they'll believe me.

Song Credit: My Chemical Romance - Headfirst For Halos