Lost Jem

Chapter 3

Dani's P.O.V

Beep Beep Beep!

I slammed my hand down onto the bedside table and patted around for my phone to switch off the alarm that had woken me from my slumber. I squinted my eyes, trying hard to read the time on the clock. It was 9:36.

Shit. 

I guess i will just have to stay at home again today like i have been for the last three weeks. I pulled off my covers and swung my legs out of the bed, forcing my limp body into a sitting position. I rubbed my sleep-covered eyes with the palm of my hands. Shards of light scattered in through the windows, dimly lighting up the room. I sighed, a deep and miserable sigh. Why was the sun, a magnificent giver of life, still illuminating the world, a terrible place? It just didn't make sense. 

I wrapped my arms around my torso, as if i was holding myself together. I was so alone, so empty so stupid. Why did i do that, WHY? I may of ruined Jem's life, but i also ruined mine in the process. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I hit my forehead repeatedly with the palm of my hand, how could i do such a thing? I was worthless, the world would be a better place without me. 

I wish i was dead.

My placed my head into my hands, still sitting on the edge of the bed, thoughts spinning through my mind like an endless spiral of burning hatred. Towards myself. Towards everyone. Its true that a little piece of me had died with Jem that day. It was a piece of me that i needed, a piece of me that held hope. Well its too late for that now, I don't feel hope anymore. She's dead, and its all my ruddy fault. 

My phone started vibrating violently on the bedside table. I turned it over, Lou was calling me. Again. I decided to answer it as i had been ignoring her messages and calls for a whole week. I had been outside for ages and i was starting to lose faith in being normal. I was broken beyond repair.

"Hello?" I whispered down the phone.

"DANI! WHERE ARE YOU? What happened?! ARE YOU OKAY?!" Cried Lou down the phone sounding anxious of my absence and also happy to hear my voice.

I smiled weakly. It was nice to know someone cared about me.

"Wait, hand me the phone!" I heard a voice demanding in the background. It was Ems. Oh how i loved Ems. She was grumpy, bossy, stubborn and was always slightly bitter but when you warmed up to her she was as sweet as pie. She had a very motherly feel about her, it was like she was our big grown up sister. Not to mention she was extremely bright and very very pretty. I loved her to pieces. 

"Dani, babe, is everything okay? You've been off school for a while. We are worried about you!" Ems lectured down the phone in a comforting tone.

"DANI, I MISS YOUUUU!" Lou sang in the background. I giggled quietly, she always had the knack of warming me up when my heart was as cold as ice. She had a fiery temper and was very shy when she wanted to be. She was a really cool person to hang out with, very lovable and kind, but easily amused.  She was a friend that would always be by your side, extremely loyal and, well, just super sweet!   

"Oh haha, hey guys. I haven't been feeling very well lately. Sorry" I muttered sheepishly down the phone. 

"Uh-uh. Not good enough! You come to school tomorrow, GOTTIT?! You cant just skip school forever hunny. If you don't come in tomorrow then i am marching over to your house and dragging you here by your hair. Okay?!" Ems demanded down the phone. I heard Zara titter in the background. 

Oh, don't get me started on Zara! I had known her since i started year 7. She was like a sister to me, a giant bouncy puppy and always hyper. She was very open and naughty. Overall she was great fun, but i had a problem trusting her. She was a bit of a dark horse but, great company!!

"Oh hey Zara." I piped down the phone, yearning to hear her husky voice. I missed them all so much but i was adiment to stay in the safety of my house. 

"Yeah. Hi." She replied bluntly. It was rather strange, she was always very talkative and bubbly. 

Then i remembered. Jem. She was dead. Be....because of me. I felt a pang of guilt right deep inside of me, it almost took my breath away. 

"Erm..... I gotta go! I will come to school tomorrow! Promise!" I burbled down the phone, tears welling up in my eyes. 

"Dani! But....." 

I ended the call and threw my phone to the ground in a state of frustration and self pity. I flopped back into my bed and proceeded to wail like a kitten separated from its mother, tears streaming down my cheeks. I rolled over and cried into my pillow. I missed her so much. 

Jem was always there for me, although our personalities where so different we got on so well. I was so lucky to have her. I was a sassy queen and she was a shy and cute nerd, we made the weirdest pair. But i loved her to bits a pieces. She was very quiet and only confided in secrets with those who were close to her, she was absolutely adorable. So bright, so smart. She had so much potential. But all because of me her life was cut short.

It was all my fault. 

I covered the duvet over my head and sobbed into my pillow which was now soaked with my bitter tears. I don't deserve a life, i don't deserve anything. I am worthless.