Insight

Chapter 1

I saw my house in the distance, small and worn out, the window sills were smashed by either me amidst my anger or other people who had it in for me. My own bedroom window had been fixed about seven times. The whole street was gloomy, not a single house light was on, the street lights flickering on and off, most of them broken from previous car accidents or drunken people heaving anything and everything at them. My mind raced as I thought it through, whether I should go back home or not, whether I would even be accepted back in.

I was lost in thought until I saw a shadow against the pub wall on my right, and I immediately knew who was standing only inches away from me. My heart started racing, I didn't even think, I didn't need to, running became an innate response that no longer required any conscious thought. I broke into a run, my feet splashing in puddles made by the pouring rain, splattering all over my bare legs. I shivered as the cold wind hit me but didn't stop; I wouldn't stop until I grasped the handle of that red door, where I would be safe – or safer at the very least.

I didn't hear any footsteps behind me; taking a risk I looked back... utter darkness was all I could see. But that didn't put my mind at ease and I continued running, pushing past the intense pain that had started piercing my lungs, the house appearing further away than a few steps, my safe haven pulling away from me as I reached out.

I came to a halt as I arrived at the familiar red door, the number 55 written with matt white on a glossy black board; the only 'modern' item in the rickety old house. Parts of the red paint on the door were chipped off revealing the old cheap wood underneath it, ready to crumble at any point. I fiddled around with the key, my hand shaking violently, and not from the freezing winds. I finally managed to shove the key into the keyhole and I heard the lock turn, banging my body against the door to open it, I stumbled through and slammed it behind me, not thinking that I might wake someone up and alert them of my sudden unwanted presence. I quickly locked the door, panting as I was trying to get my breathing back to its normal rate, I was finally certain that I was safe. For now.

With my back against the wood, I slid down the door, my knees weak and unable to hold me up. I pulled them closer to my chest in attempt to regain a normal body temperature and buried my head between them. I closed my eyes and finally allowed the tears I have been bottling in for the past five days to fall down, wet streaks against my cheeks reminding me that no matter how fictitious my life seemed right now, it was as real as I was.

My wish of wanting to be alone went unnoticed as I saw a light flicker on, lighting up the hall way and the stairway. Quick footsteps rushed down the uneven steps causing me to quickly jolt back up, wiping away my tears with the sleeves of my hoodie which smelled strongly of alcohol and weed, a smell I had gotten so used to that the stench didn't make my eyes water like it used to. Straightening up, I saw my older brother standing at the landing of the stairs in his sweat pants. His long brown hair looking messy and his face tired but his stance juxtaposed his clear exhaustion as he stood up straight, every showing muscle tensing up.

I kicked my shoes off and twirled my keys around my fingers, in attempt to distract from my unsteady hands, "what's up?" I said, having to clear my throat afterwards as my voice came out raspy and quivery, I started to make my way towards the stairs, wanting to get away as soon as I possibly could; I just wanted to be alone.

My brother held his arm out, blocking the whole stairway; his broad figure worked to his advantage and there was no way I'd be able to get past him. His face was hard and furious, his eyes dark and his jaw tight as he looked like he was ready to punch someone, most likely his young sister.

I rolled my eyes, trying to appear as if I wasn't even slightly scared of him, "move" I scoffed before attempting to get past. He finally decided that his anger fuelled facial expressions were not sending a good enough message so he used his hand and pushed me back, causing me to stumble slightly but as his was wary of hurting me, his light touch caused no serious harm and I soon regained my footing, "what the hell Josh! Just get out of my way, I'm tired!"

"Where were you?" he finally said, his voice low and angry, if mum wasn't asleep he'd probably be screaming his head off at me, "we were worried sick!" he said, raising his voice slightly.

I narrowed my eyes, "Why would you care? It's none of your business anyway." I said, once again attempting to push past him but failing miserably as I almost fell to the floor, Josh caught my arm at the last second, saving me from even more embarrassment.

"It is my damn business; mum has barely slept and has been crying every single night! What the hell is wrong with you?" he was now shouting, his anger inhibiting his thinking and I saw the light in my mum's bedroom shine through the crack of her door. Great, now I had two family members to piss off in one night.

I looked at Josh, no one should care about me, and I don't want anyone to care about me, it would make my life so much easier if I was to be left alone. "Just let me go upstairs Josh, I'm tired!" I raised my voice at him, crossing my arms and tapping my foot, starting to get anxious. I was not ready to face the look on my mum's face right now; it's already been a rough enough night.

Josh's fury did not seem to subside, "I don't care if you're tired, and quite frankly your arrogance is infuriating! There are other people in the world other than you Scarlett, you..." he was cut off by my mum's bedroom door creaking open. And my heart began beating fast; there was no running from the disappointed look that would be on her face, the look I had received countless times before.

I looked up as my mum's head peeked out of the door, her face pale and her blonde hair in tangles all over her head. Josh wasn't kidding when he said she cried every night, her eyes were red and puffy, and dark blue bags were visible underneath. She clearly hasn't been sleeping much either.

She looked at me before turning her eyes to the floor, embarrassed to lay eyes on the girl that inherited her looks, yet was nothing like her when it came to good will. She cleared her throat and looked straight at my brother, "Josh, go to sleep, it's late, there's always tomorrow to discuss this."

I was surprised that she didn't start an argument, but glad that she didn't; I was in no fit state to argue and she didn't look like she was either. We both looked just about ready to give up.

Josh opened his mouth to argue before shutting it again, finally giving in, and "fine."

He dropped his hand from the wall and stepped aside; in a typical manner, I stuck my tongue out at him, an automatic reaction, and a childish one at that.

I brushed past him and made my way up the steps sneaking a look at my mum as I passed her bedroom. Upon seeing me, she drew back into it, closing the door in my face. I felt the need to push the door open and shout at her for not wanting to listen to me, for not giving me a chance to explain, but after the few days I have endured, I didn't have any energy left to go through our usual routine.

My room was warm as I walked in; the heater had been obviously on for a while. I flicked the switch and the room brightened up, some of my clothes were still on the floor and my bed sheets were still in heaps on my bed, I was meant to do them before I left but I obviously couldn't be bothered, and I couldn't be troubled now either. I shut the door behind me before taking the strong scented hoodie off. I was left in my pink lace bra and my jean shorts, not caring enough to change, I jumped onto the bed, placing the hot pillow underneath my head and closing my eyes.

Flashes off the last few days rushing past in a painstaking manner; and my eyes began to heat with the tears building up. I re-opened my eyes in hope that I chase away the memories before realising that what I had endured can never be unseen. I closed my eyes once again and allowed the tears to fall, aware of the fact that I was helpless at this moment and was going to remain so for a long while.