rants & rambles

fake people

hey y'all!!! it's been months since i've updated but i haven't been feeling gr8 lately so i'll just put my feelings in here. this is about to be a sad rant so if you aren't about that stuff, the exit is to your left and around the corner!! 

honestly i have the WORST luck with friendships (and just in general too but whatever).

for some reason i always end up surrounding myself with people who are absolute sHIT. you know what i mean? people who you're always doing something for, people who don't really consider you a friend, people who leave you out....and it honestly sucks. 

all my life, i've basically only had one solid best friend. one. we'll call her S & she is my smol precious mango, my "vagina whole". she's a pure (ok i'm using the term pure veRY loosely here ;)) moonlight princess who is too good for this world. sometimes we have our shit days and our arguments and times we don't get along, but they never last very long. S, if you're reading this, ily (WIRE BEING FRANDLY).

ok. anyways. where do i start with my "friendship history"? hm. let's go back to 3rd grade. a new girl (G) had just moved to our school district. she was smart and funny, and naturally i wanted to get to know her better. that day during recess, she happened to be playing alone. i walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and stuck out my hand, asking if she wanted to be friends. 

bam! instant friendship. G and i were best friends after that. until, of course, another group of girls came and befriended her. she dropped me like a hot potato after that (which was to be expected, i mean, come ON, they had all had matching Twinkletoes shoes).

fast forward to 6th grade. in our area, we have two middle schools, so the one you go to is determined by where you live. with my luck, pretty much every one of my closest friends at the time went to the school i WASN'T going to. in middle school, i hung out with some girls i knew from elementary school. the problem? they all lived in the same neighborhood, so if something happened, i would always be the last to know. plus, the two girls i was closest with happened to be best friends (who were also neighbors). whenever i was with them, it almost felt like i was third wheeling. and most of the time i was the odd one out when it came to partners for schoolwork. i knew that they weren't doing anything on purpose (i'm still friends with them today!!), but it sucks to be the afterthought. 

moving on to high school. (this is where shit gets iffy....god i fucking hate high school.)

i swear i'm like a friend hoe. you know? like a hoe (don't like that word but i can't think of a nice term for it) but instead of moving from guy to guy i move from friend group to friend group. (this shit is tiring by the way. 10/10 would not recommend. at least with real hoe-ing, you get sex out of it. friend hoe-ing ends in the lowering of your self-worth and constant state of irritation. trust me.)

let's not even talk about my 9th grade friendships cause that was a whirlwind of different people. yikes. i mean, i still talk to a lot of them, but it's not the same as being close w them. ya feel?

____

all right. so i had this whole draft about my shit friendships thruout the years typed out and for some reason wattpad decided to be a little shit and not save it so to sum things up: i'm hella stressed bc ap exams, my parents are being almost unbearable rn (like ik y'all love me but this is too much i don't need ur pressure to do well on top of all the other the pressure i have), and my "friends" are most definitely not my friends. lol. life's gr8.

srsly tho i legit broke down crying on sunday lmao my parents were rly confused but then when i tried to explain they just yelled at me saying i put it upon myself.....idk where the logic is behind that i didn't choose the shit life the shit life chose me

anYwAys..... bottom line is i hate everything and i'm really not feeling anyone or anything rn. i honestly, truly feel like my existence is worthless lol

if u read all this to the end (& didn't skip anything, mmhmm that's right, i'm talking to U), then thank you i love you lots !!! you deserve all the warm cookies and tight hugs and i'm sending you lots and lots of love !!!! (maybe if u could send some back that'd be gr8 thx) but honestly why are you even reading this tbh i'm not cool i'm just hella depressed and maybe a little cute but u don't know what i look like so that last part doesn't even matter ok bYe until next time 

stay alive kids xxx