A Letter For Phil - Phanfiction

Dan's POV

Why do I have to be this way?

Why can't I just move on?

Because I either care too much or I care nothing at all.

And I hate it.

I hate the way you talk about your future.

I hate how you want to find "The One".

I hate how you smile when you talk about her.

I hate that someday you'll have children, and a garden and a house.

I hate that you'll grow old with her.

I hate that all I'll be is "Uncle Dan".

I hate that you'll live far from me, and I'll see you only some weekends.

I hate that you might not want to see me, maybe never again.

And I hate that she'll be the world to you.

And I'll be barely a star.

I hate that as time keeps going, we'll slowly drift apart.

And that's what I hate the most.

That there's nothing I can do.

I can't freeze time.

I can't do anything!

You're going to fall in love one day.

And I'll be left alone.

Because a life without you is not a life at all.

Fuck.

Why is it me?

ALWAYS ME.

Who fell in love with their best friend.

You're my forbidden love.

A love I must keep secret, because if you ever found out things wouldn't be the same.

And I know that it would change things.

So don't give me that bullshit talk.

We'd be that little bit further from each other.

You'll move slightly away when we're next to each other.

A single touch would be uncomfortable.

So I just have to grow up and live with it.

But I need you.

I need to hold you, for you to hold me.

To run your hands through my hair.

Tell me everything's okay and that you love me.

But you don't.

So why can't you just leave me alone.

I just want these feelings to go.

But I want them at the same time.

It's like I'm trapped.

It's painful.

When you look at me like that then deny it ever happened.

It hurts.

And it's never ending.

I hate it, but I love it.

I want you.

But you don't want me.

Every time I look at you my heart flips over.

It freezes at your touch.

Shatters when you're not there.

I want you to be happy.

I want to see you smile.

But knowing I'm not part of it, shit.

That could take a while.

But I could never tell you.

Because you'll never feel what I feel.

You'll never how much I love you.

You just wouldn't understand.

That "The One" who you've been searching for, has been here holding your hand.

But I'll try to carry on, for you.

Wait by your side at the altar.

And tell her how much she means to you.

It will hurt, but who cares about me?

Even I don't care about me.

But you?

Oh, I care so much.

My heart flips over.

And I'm stuck in a trance.

You'll never see it though.

You just can't.

But you're everything to me.

Your eyes are full of colour, and your smell is soft and sweet.

But to you I'm merely nothing. I'm grey and that's how it always will be.

You can't make someone love you.

That's a lesson I never learned.

So whilst your eyes are on the skies, mine will be only on my world.