Adopting twins; Zalfie.

Chapter 7

                                                                        Thursday November 23rd 2017

Alexis' POV:

As my eyes slowly fluttered open, my heart filled with dread. My cheeks were sticky and tear stained from hours of crying and it took everything within me to not start again. Today marked the seven year anniversary of our father's death. It had also been seven years since our mother's disappearance. I took a deep breath before hauling myself out of bed. I looked up, and Erin was still fast asleep on the top bunk, tossing and turning. I looked at my phone and found it was only 06:30 am, but my head was too occupied with swirling thoughts for me to get back to sleep. Instead I walked over to my wardrobe, and pulled down an old biscuit tin from the top shelf. 

I sat on the floor and tugged it open. It was our memory box, and was filled with everything that we had left from our parents. On top was a picture of the four of us. I stroked my mother's long, blonde locks and kissed my father's head. I missed them more than words could tell. The pain is indescribable, and the only way I could explain is by saying that it's like having your heart ripped out and torn to pieces before being stuffed back in your chest. I felt myself crumble, tears falling down my face and landing on the photo.

I kept digging, pulling out a scrunchie that my mother used to wear religiously. The day she left, she placed it on my wrist and said that she loved me with all her heart. It confused me, she was only going to the shops, I didn't understand why she was acting so strange. I don't know if she was planning on coming back, but she never did. On the same day that I lost my mother, my father was killed. My heart panged, I didn't want to remember. I squeezed my eyes closed but I still saw the blood. I could hear screaming, but not even covering my ears could shut it out. 

"Stop, please stop!" I shouted, pressing my hands so tightly over my ears that they began to burn. I felt arms wrap around me, and looked up to see Erin. She ripped my hands away, and pulled me closer, whispering, "It's okay, it's gonna be okay" again and again. Eventually it all stopped, and I was able to compose myself. We put away the box and got ourselves ready for the day. Marion was allowing us to have the day off of school, as she did every year, and was going to take us to visit his grave. It's something that we rarely get to do, so it always feel special when we go. 

I wrapped up warm in a woolly jumper and thick leggings, pulled on my extra soft ugg boots and winter coat and tied my hair in my mother's scrunchie. The drive was silent, no one really knowing what to say. We stopped off at a supermarket before hand to buy a bouquet of flowers each and hot chocolates to keep us warm. I sipped on mine as we walked along the cobbled path, searching for him. His grave wasn't anything special, not like I wanted it to be. It was just a decaying tombstone with rotten flowers sprawled around. I sighed, my heart sinking as I gathered up the old flowers and threw them in a nearby bin.

Without speaking, we each lay our bouquets next to another, and sat down cross-legged on either side of the grave. We were silent for a moment, just taking everything in. I was the first to speak, "We miss you dad. A lot. So much that it hurts my heart and I can't breathe. It cripples me." Tears silently fell down our cheeks. "I wish I could see you again, I keep trying to picture your face and hear your voice but it's getting harder every day." Erin added. "Sometimes, I close my eyes and pretend that I'm back at home, playing with my paper dolls. I pretend that you're sat at the fire place, trying to get it to light to keep us warm. I remember you'd always get angry, and swear at it, throwing a log across the room. Mum would say 'Your temper is worse than the devil's' and we'd all giggle. I miss that. I want that again, so badly."

We sat for the next hour, reminiscing of the time spent with our parents. We didn't mention anything about Zoe or Alfie, I couldn't bare to. I felt guilty, like we're replacing them. Erin grabbed my hand, as if she could read my thoughts, and whispered, "We'll tell him next time. He'll be happy that we've got people to take care of us again." I nodded, and squeezed her hand. I knew she was right, it was a good thing that we were getting to be part of a family again. It's what they would of wanted for us. It was just hard to not be plagued by guilt, mainly because I missed them so much.

We spent the rest of the day snuggled on the sofa watching Christmas films and eating chocolate. It was the distraction we needed. I tried to forget about the pain and instead think of the excitement of the weeks to come, spending time with Zoe and Alfie. I decided this is what I needed to do at all times. Just think of the good things to come rather than the bad things that have happened. "This is what will get you through it" I told myself again and again. "You are strong, you can take each day as it comes and keep moving forward." This is something I told myself a lot, to keep moving forward, for I feared if I didn't, I'd get left behind.