Peaked

1

I am twenty-one years old and already I feel like this was not the way my life was supposed to turn out. I thought it would be different – life, adulthood, love, success. I thought it would be easy. I would get a degree, get a high-paying job, meet a gorgeous guy, marry, kids – and all that crap that follows, like divorce and menopause. I thought all that stuff just happened to you. It turns out it doesn't – shit happens to you. This is the story of the shit that happened. I worry at night, when I lie awake unable to sleep, I worry that I peaked in high school. I over-achieved too early and realistically it was only downhill from there. God I wish I had set the bar lower.

I'm everything that modern society dislikes and finds uninteresting – I'm a white, straight, skinny blonde chick from an upper middle class family. Apparently, that makes me dull. Maybe I am dull...or maybe I'm just in a rut. I guess that's just a matter of perspective but I'd prefer to think I'm the latter rather than the former. Because a rut can be broken – sometimes by something as simple as a good rutting. My problems, unfortunately, cannot be solved by sex. Or drugs. Or even money. My problems can only be solved by myself, by coming to terms with my past and my present. By coming to terms with who I am as a person and accepting that. You got to be at peace with yourself because life is all about adversity. The obstacles and roadblocks never end. And while you fight the world to get where you want and what you want, you can't also be fighting yourself. If you have demons, that'll make sense. If not, well good for you – go pet a unicorn or something.

I changed. And it was difficult for me to reconcile that change with all my hopes and expectations and plans. I'm not saying I transitioned into a dude – because not all changes are so visible to the world. It was an invisible, internal change that was prompted by me simply listening. I never listened much in High School. I talked, loudly. I talked because I thought I knew the answers. I've been told I have a somewhat dominating, intimidating kind of personality. Which is ironic because I'm 5'3 and 110 pounds. But little things can be scary and big things can be cuddly. All that crap about appearances being deceiving can be copied and pasted in here. No, I talked in High School because I was a bit of condescending little bitch and I realize that now. I was spoilt and I was arrogant. Two horrible traits – especially in teenagers. I regret that now. There are a lot of people I should have spoken to; there are people I should have been nicer to. If they could see me now I'm sure they'd just say 'karma.'

When I got to university though it all changed. I was a small fish in a big pond. But I grew, I adapted and I kept up. I got the marks to get into Law. It was all on track. Except I wasn't talking as much. None of my high school friends were around; I wasn't really connecting with anyone so there was no one to listen to me. I started hearing other people. And I realized something about myself – I didn't want to be sitting there, in that lecture hall, stressing over law exams. I learnt that about myself through the people around me. I learnt I was different – not better or anything so maniacal and egotistical - just different. I wanted something else out of life than a college degree, a cubicle job, a husband, kids etc. I wanted to be outside the box, be my own boss. So one day in my third year, it was trusts law lecture, I just stood up and walked out. Some people will say I snapped or had a break down. I call it an epiphany. Whatever it was, that's where this story begins. And that's where it goes to shit.