The Cracks in my Mind

September 14, 1995

Today, there were people from out of town. This isn't new - people are always coming nowadays, ever since the plane crash. But lately, the crowd had been thinning, and I hadn't expected to see anymore new faces.

But today, there was one. Two, actually. A lady and her daughter. And that lady...

The moment I walk in to the store, it hits me. This wave of pure light and happiness, and peace. Stunned and dazzled, I look around, trying to catch my breath. I feel as if someone has hit me in the stomach. I haven't felt this is so long.

The source of the feeling is hard to miss. She lights up the whole store, like an angel from heaven. She is laughing and talking with Ms. Porter. Her teeth shine white in her dark face, and she radiates light and heat, like a fire. She is dressed like a wealthy person, and so is her daughter. Her joy flows over me, and I take a deep breath, relishing the clarity of it all, the purity.

But wait. Something's off.

"...just up and left, you know what I mean?", the lady is saying. "But I don't mind. It's been four months, and we've all had time to get over it." She smiles fondly down at her daughter, a tall girl, a few years older then me. "Anyways, he wasn't that good a husband. We're better off without him."

"That's a good attitude," Ms. Porter says, approvingly. She seems happier then she has in days, although that might just be because she's hearing fresh gossip. Ms. Porter loves gossip. At the moment though, I doubt she's think about that. She too glances at the daughter. "Such a lovely child you're raising."

"Oh yes!" the women says excitedly. She loves talking about her daughter. "Straight A's in all her classes, and such a beauty. Everyone loves her. Honestly, I'm so blessed to have her! Never done a bad thing her life, that's my Brittney!"

I look at Brittney. She raises her head, noticing me. I hold her gaze for a long moment. Then, I walk forward.

Neither adult notices me, at first. It's only when I'm a few feet away, that the lady turns. She smiles, her brown eyes lighting up, and her beautiful happiness washes over me. "Hello!", she says, with sincerity. "Who are you?"

"Hi," I say, hating how flat and uninteresting my voice sounds. "My name's Ashly."

The lady takes my hand, apparently not caring how dirty and cold it is. Her warm fingers wrap around mine, sending heat up my arm, and through my whole body. "It's nice to meet you, Ashley," she says. "My name's Cara, Cara Tansy."

"Ashly," Ms. Porter says, and her voice carries a warning tone. She's afraid of what I might do, of what I might say to this lady. I'm afraid too, because I don't want to say what I have to. But I'd hate myself more if I didn't.

"Ms. Tansy?", I say. "Could you please talk to you daughter? I think she's going to kill herself."

Brittney's head swings around to stare at me, and I stagger under the force of it. A thousand scenes race through my head, just like they did a second ago. A thousand shapes flicker around the girl's body, slowly poisoning her. A thousand memories thunder silently around both our heads, forcing us to know the truth.

Kneeling on the bathroom floor, clutching the blade. Throat rubbed raw from vomiting. Scars on her wrists, hidden by silk sleeves, bleeding through her clothing. Looming desperation, slowly consuming all thought. Cold certainty that she'll never be good enough, never be pretty enough, or smart enough. Aching longing for arms to wrap around her, hold her close, whisper in her ear. "That's my girl, that's daddy's little princess." Silently falling, speeding up, so close to spinning apart, shattering into a thousand-

A hand falls on my shoulder, and I jump. I can hear Ms. Porter spewing apologies, can feel her fingers pinching my skin against my shoulder-blade. She pulls me out of the store, saying how I'm "not right in the head", how I have "problems." She gives me a shove, and I stumble, almost falling on the dirt on the street. The door slams behind me, but I don't leave.

It's going to take a long time to erase that girl from my mind.