Forever and Always

Amalia

July 31st, 2015

Dani,

You know how girls usually talk to their friends about their issues with boys and they expect to receive advice or at least to get a sympathetic look from them? I'm pretty sure you do know because men do the same, I mean they probably don't talk about exactly the same stuff but people are bound to share their problems and concerns with someone. Otherwise it would be like bottling up all these feelings and that's not healthy. Well, you don't really need to talk to friends, it can also be a shrink or some people write everything down on their diaries. Still, discussing boy drama seems like the most common coping mechanism girls have developed and used since forever.

The problem is that a few months ago I decided I couldn't talk to my friends about you, about our relationship. For starters, I feel that they're too protective of me, and that makes them hate by default every guy that comes near me with the intentions of getting romantically involved. And then there's your whole situation, you know, being in love with another girl and everything. That's the cherry on top, that's what makes the hating towards you nonnegotiable.

I feel like talking about it, about you being in love with another girl and me trying to cope with that fact in a mature way, is like talking badly about you, and I would never want to be one of those people who bicker and rant nonstop about their partners. Besides, I don't want to be seen as the stupid girl whose boyfriend is in love with someone else. Then people would talk about me and I wouldn't want that. I know people look at us and talk, they tell each other how hard we try to keep up with this image of a happy couple we have created. They look at me with pity, as if I were clueless in regards to your feelings. But I guess that's because they think you don't love me, and I'm not going to go around reassuring people that you do, that you love us both. I'd rather pretend that I have no idea what goes on around us. The only thing that concerns me is our relationship.

That's why we're not a conversation topic among my group of friends, at least I'm not the one who brings us up, and usually when someone does is to say how jealous they are that we have the perfect relationship. I don't know if they say it to comfort me or if it they actually mean it, because no relationship is perfect, let alone ours. Okay, well, I must say that even if it's not perfect, most of the times it is great, don't you think?

But honestly, and I feel like I have to stop running in circles now, as great as things are, I feel like I must say something about her so that I don't end up popping like a balloon and bursting into tears in the middle of a mall at the sight of a young couple holding hands.

I'm a rational person, you know that, and I avoid confrontation whenever possible. I hate making scenes, I hate the words "we need to talk" because evidently everyone needs to talk, that's why it's the most common way of communication among humans. So I'll use my words but I won't force you to listen to them; that would be rather unfair. I'll just type them and leave them. I'll give you space and time, I'll let you decide what to do with them because once I'm done with this letter everything in it will stop belonging to me. It's up to you if you want to keep it, but I'd understand if you'd rather throw it away. I don't expect a reply either and I won't try to draw conclusions based on your behavior after I send this letter. This doesn't change anything about us, it's just something I felt like I had to do for me and no one else.

Forgive me if at times I sound repetitive or if, as one of my teachers once told me, my ideas seem interesting but lack coherence. My ideas don't need to be interesting and coherence is the last thing I could possibly care about. This is not an essay nor is it a treaty. This is a letter that goes straight from my heart to my hand to the computer keys. Words are not taking any detour to my brain because when it comes to you I would rather feel than think. Thinking gets us to do the right thing, no doubt about that, but it also makes us cold, calculating, and right this second what I'm craving the most is warmth.