Forever and Always

David

January 1st, 2011

My Georgie,

Does it bother you that I call you that? I hope not, I hope that you still refer to me as Davie... it made me feel so loved. Everything you said and did made me feel so loved by you. And I hate the fact that I'm talking in past tense because there's nothing I'd like more in the world than to be with you again and forever. I hate myself every time I remember that we're not together because I was stupid and a complete coward and I wanted to hide you away from everyone and what I ended up doing was pushing you away from me.

I don't know how you'll take this, but I came out to my parents on Christmas. I told them I liked guys, just like that, and they seemed fine with it. I didn't tell them about the both of us, but I'm pretty sure they figured out we were together by the time you came to stay for the summer. I didn't tell them I was queer, I mean, I didn't use that word. I didn't say I was gay; I just said "Mum, Dad, I like guys", and that was that. They didn't ask for any explanation, they didn't ask me whether I was sure. They just took it as it was, my incredibly understanding and modern parents.

You know, I felt so stupid when they reacted so well, like I had lost so much time fighting with you and then trying to live without you just because I was afraid of what they'd say or do and in the end they were the most supporting, loving parents in the world. It took me by surprise, honestly. I guess I thought they'd throw a scene like yours did and send me to Scotland to live with my aunt Marge or something.

Maybe what I was fearing was my own reaction, come to think of it. You know? Like saying the words would actually make it real despite the fact that I'd been with guys since I was fifteen and I never had a girlfriend. Hell, I never even stopped to look at a girl. Women to me will never be attractive. Of course, feeling it inside and knowing it is one thing; living with the fact that I'm into blokes is something that's always been normal to me, but putting it into words was like turning my fancying guys a public issue, and I wasn't completely okay with it.

So it's not like by then I wasn't already fully convinced that I liked men, it had to do more with having to make the announcement. Like when you suspect something, even if you're almost sure, but it doesn't become real until it's said out loud. And when I made it all real by telling my parents, it was actually sort of therapeutic. I felt older, wiser, like I didn't have to go around hiding who I was or whom I liked.

I didn't expect them to embrace the fact that their youngest son is queer, and I guess that's because I never gave myself the chance to embrace it myself. I mean, I've always liked men but I came to terms with it when you and I started going out. I saw a future with you, and I liked what I saw. But I wasn't ready for the whole world to know. I'm sorry if I'm being awfully repetitive here, but it's the first time I actually sit down and think about everything, about us.

I guess I kept my sexuality (ugh, I hate that word, I sound like a teacher or something) hidden because I liked the feeling of doing something nobody else knew about; keeping us a secret added some spice to what we had. Now I realize I was being immature; ours wasn't just a fling, something teenagers do to piss their parents off. We had something real, something serious, that could lead to something great.

In the end I think I was done acting like a boy, and so I decided to do the adult thing, even if it was too late. I wanted to call you that night, I wanted to tell you what I'd done, not because I thought you'd want me back if you knew I'd come out, but because you're the most important person in my life. See, no past tense. You're still the most important person in my life. You'll be that person forever. You introduced me to this amazing world and all I did in return was turn us into a pair of losers who drank and partied like crazy. The only time we spent studying was the summer before we broke up, and I realized we had fun reading and taking notes together. I came to the conclusion that we could pretty much do anything together and still be happy. And I loved knowing that. Of course, then I blew it by being a coward, but it's been a while since that and what's left to do for everyone is to move on, to carry on with the plans we had.

I'll go back to uni in a few months to finish my dissertation and after I graduate I'll go to Barcelona to work on my master's. Then I guess I'll see whether I stay in Spain or come back. I'm going through with the plan we both had although I'm not so sure you'll do the same. I always thought you weren't thrilled with the idea of living in Spain, and that the only thing that excited you was getting our own flat. I imagine you'll be staying in Liverpool and you'll probably get a flat with Luke, am I right? He's a nice guy, I'll always thank him for introducing us, although I think he regrets it. Still, it's nice to know that you're surrounded by people who love you. Part of the reason why I'm moving away is because I need to find my own support system and build it from scratch. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a boyfriend.

I heard somewhere that you had a boyfriend. A younger bloke, blond hair, green eyes and the cheekbones of an angel. Couldn't have picked someone any more different from me. I imagine his angel-like skin hasn't been permanently damaged by ink, and I doubt he can grow stubble the way you like mine. Besides, from what I was told he smoked. How could you? And that wasn't the worst part, wasn't it? Did he really tell you he loved you after having dated for a few weeks?

I heard that when he told you the three magic words you got into a fight and broke up. Did you break up because he said he loved you? Georgie, that poor guy, you broke his heart...Remember when you told me you loved me? It was you who said it first. You were so nervous at first I couldn't understand what you were saying, and then you said those three words again and we kissed for hours in your dorm and we fell asleep holding each other.

It wasn't until we'd been together for almost two years that we got our matching tattoos. It was actually weeks before our breakup. Do you think it's because of what they say? That people who get matching tattoos are doomed to break up? At least we made sure that we left a permanent mark on each other, didn't we?

What were we thinking? I mean, yea, I've got about twenty tattoos and most of them don't mean a thing, but getting your initials? We were very much in love, that's what we were thinking. And I'll say it again: I'm still in love with you. I'll say it until you believe me, until the idea of us makes sense to you again. It's got to, it's the only thing that gets me going, knowing that someday we'll be together again.

I know it sounds stupid, telling you about forever when I just wrote that I'm moving away. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you by my side. I don't want you to be flatmates with Luke, I want you to be my boyfriend, I want us to think about marriage and having a small flat with a balcony where we can grow flowers, I want us to think about having a cat called Magic and two baby boys called Harry and Louis.

Call me, let's meet, let's talk, let's make plans together.

Forever my love,

Davie