Forever and Always

Nicolás

August, 2017

Andrea,

When I approached the counter with the envelope that encases this letter, the woman looked at me as if I were some weirdo who didn't know e-mails existed. But you sent me a letter and I wanted to return the favor, and you must know that's a great task for me because I've never been good with words. Of course you know it, you struggled for weeks to have a decent conversation with me and I think at some point you achieved your goal, even if a short while after that we stopped talking altogether.

I don't know why I decided to contact you a few months ago. It's not like I missed you, I'd pretty much forgotten about you as a person and thought of you as a memory, you know? You were a part of this cluster I had kept somewhere in my mind and that reminded me of my early twenties. You were part of this happy place I rarely visited, but I never singled you out.

The thing is you kept reappearing on social media, so maybe it was seeing your pictures in my newsfeed and remembering that you had a huge crush on me and that you were always so nice what in a way encouraged me to find out what you were up to.

You see, it was the idea of the crush you had on me what drew me to you, like I sort of thought, as stupid as this may sound now, that because you had been into me five years ago, we had a bigger chance of working out together now. I wasn't going to reach out to a girl who had never been interested in me because that would have required a greater deal of effort, and I don't see relationships that way, you know? I feel like they're about enjoying and trying new things, not about struggling and suffering.

Maybe it's something that comes with age, the urge to reconnect with people you haven't seen in years. I know I sound like an old man when I say that, but it's true and I know you've felt it when you see pictures of the girls you went to school with or when you hear about someone you used to be friends with. I can picture you right now, looking at the profile of a guy you used to have a crush on and wondering what he's doing with his life. But I guess that has to do with the experiences we lived with those people, the way being around them made us feel.

That's why old people keep photographs in cookie jars, because they want to be close to a time when they were happy, when they felt like they could do and be anything. In a way, we don't really want to reconnect with a person, but rather we would like to seek for a specific feeling we had in the past, we want to experience what it's like to be a certain age, and we do that through people because they shared those moments with us. Maybe it as a symptom of the quarter-life crisis, if that's an actual thing, but I felt like I wanted to relive the year when I was twenty, and I thought about you as the ideal companion.

So I decided to look you up and when I invited you for a drink you surprised me by agreeing. I cut right to the chase; after saying the customary "hi, how are you? It's been a while", I just went along and asked if we could meet someday soon. And you said yes. Maybe you're one of those people who say yes to everything, or maybe you felt sorry for me because you thought there had to be something wrong with me that could explain why I was calling you and asking you out.

And even when we were arranging our date you felt so different from the girl you were five years ago. I know I said I didn't remember you, and at first it was true, but then when you started to become relevant again in my life and I put the pieces of the puzzle back together I created this image of the person who I thought you were when we first met. However, that's not who I met up with during the night we went out for drinks.

I felt like I was on a blind date, and it sort of was because we didn't really get to know each other five years ago, not that you didn't try, but it's true what you said about me putting walls around myself, about not wanting people to know the real me. See, I would never have pictured eighteen-year-old-you saying that, but I guess it didn't have to do with age as much as it did with the fact that you had a crush on me and didn't want to upset me by pointing out my flaws. I've come to realize that people who've had a crush on someone develop this sort of power, you know? Like they get to learn so much about the other person, and they know everything about them, and can use this knowledge against the other person when they no longer have a crush on them. They no longer have a fear of saying things as they are. You certainly didn't.

You saw right through me, and I don't know if it's something you picked up on when you first met me or if you had the chance to think about over the years. Anyhow, I've struggled with that for years, trying to find out who I am, if I'm a shy guy or if I'm plain rude. I've tried to figure out why I didn't just say yes to your invitation, or why I gave you a bunch of excuses and ended up going as Luisa's plus one at that party. I wasn't being shy then, I was being rude. And the worst part is that I liked you, as a friend or whatever it is we were, but I liked you, and I enjoyed the fact that you had a crush on me, I felt flattered. I just thought it would be easier, you know? To not mess things up with us by giving you false hopes. And I thought that if you really liked me, you would, even after I rejected your offer.

It took me five years to summon the courage to see you again and try to make everything better, when I'm sure you didn't even remember me, why would you? I was just a guy you went to parties and drank with and who wouldn't even do you a stupid favor. And now I'm just a guy who's trying to go back in time and make you like me again because I think you're pretty and you seem so happy I want you to share some of that happiness with me.

It's weird how crushes work. I mean, there are people we have crushes on and we don't ever seem to get over. I guess in reality that's not a crush, but something stronger, and I believe there must be some explanation for that sort of connection because there are people who just seem to keep bumping into each other time after time. But there are these other crushes that seem to have an expiration date, because they have a clear beginning and also a defined ending. It's like if people consciously make the decision to stop liking the other person. Your attraction towards me was like the latter. One day you were into me and the next day you weren't.

You said you were in a very vulnerable position when you met me. You said you were full of doubts and there were great changes ahead of you. You were about to graduate school and start university, which meant being around a bunch of people you didn't know, learning about things you couldn't even imagine. But you also had to resolve more personal issues because major changes always call for our reflection, don't they?

I never thought about that, not while we were hanging out because when we met I was twenty years old and on top of the world. I was studying what I wanted, I had an amazing girlfriend and the best group of friends a guy could ask for. I had everything and I was everything I wanted to be.

And now that I've graduated life has shown me that my dream job is just that –a dream, and that I might achieve it someday, but it's going to take a long time and a long list of jobs I won't like. And my girlfriend went to Paris four years ago and met this guy and realized he was the love of her life. Now they're married and have a two-year-old called Amélie. Yes, I've had other girlfriends but they don't last because either they get bored of me being so cold or I get bored of them being so clingy. And my friends? Well, you saw them. They're still great but we can't keep pretending we're the people we used to be.

You, on the other hand, you've got everything you wanted and more, haven't you? I mean, from what you told me you're engaged to a guy you've been with since you were twenty years old, and you both are living together in New York, where you're waiting for your first book to be published. When I tell you I wish I had a life like yours I don't mean it out of jealousy, but out of the desire that everything gets sorted out in my life.

Reaching out to you was a mistake, not that it wasn't lovely to spend time with you just like we did when we were younger, but none of my problems have to do with you, and in a way I pushed you into seeing people and reconnecting with a part of your life you thought was over. I'm sorry about that.

It's weird, to officially put an end to all this. Usually you just stop talking to people, that's how friendships end, not through meetings and letters. But we weren't even friends back then and I doubt that after today we'll ever be. We had a good time and we happened to spend time together, always joined by other people, always drinking and dancing and talking loudly. And there was always this feeling that we could be something else, something different. That's why I felt like I could talk to you after all this time, because nothing really ended between us as nothing had really started in the first place. And here I am replying to your letter, telling you it was great to see you, and promising I'll never call or write again, I'll never invite you to any party and I won't ever be on your way.

Have a nice life, although I'm sure you will,

Nicolás Paredes