Emotionally dead

Chapter 1: Dreams aren't real

I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my vanity mirror, I think to myself. "Am I really feeling this way again? Am I losing myself to the insanity inside of my head?" Looking down all I see is blood, rushing from my wrist down to my fingertips. As I sit here, I wonder, do I even belong here anymore? I get up and start walking toward my door, opening it while leaving a trail of blood through my room. All of a sudden, a huge rush of fresh air hits my face and goes right into my lungs as I breathe in and out. I look ahead and all I see is darkness, "why am I not afraid?" I asked myself. I bring my hand up to my face and lick the blood right off my finger, tasting the sweet bitterness of my dark red blood.

While I'm admiring the blood dripping from my fingertips, I notice a faint noise coming from the other end of the dark abyss. "Lennox, come here." It sounds just like my ex boyfriend Jason. "Jason Burkett, blonde hair, bright blue eyes, lips you'll never forget, and a smile that's to die for." I whisper to myself. That's impossible, he moved to Texas and left me here in California, my heart drops to my stomach even just thinking it might be him. I hear the voice out of nowhere once again and clear as day "Lennox!, come here now." It couldn't be, is it really Jason?

I run ahead into the dark abyss not paying much attention to how much blood I am losing, and stumble across a huge pool full of blood. "Am I losing it?" I scream out loud. I drop to my knees and look everywhere, "Jason!" I yelled, "Where are you!?" I waited a few seconds and heard nothing. I can barely see anything, all I can see is this pool of blood and darkness surrounding me. "Maybe I should go back." I'm thinking to myself. I stand up very slowly while being on my knees in my own blood still continuously running down my hand. As soon as I stand up, I get very weak, so weak. I've lost so much blood, if only I could find Jason, he could help me. I go to yell for Jason once again but it's too late. My legs give out and I fall endlessly into the pool of blood. I'm drowning in thick dark red blood, I'm gasping for air, trying to reach the side of the pool. I try to push myself to the edge of the pool but it seems to have gotten farther away from me. I look up while furiously kicking my feet and trying to reach out with my arms, and all I see is Jason. He's staring right at me, watching me drown, watching my life fade away so fast, watching me die. As I'm gasping for air, I give up, I'm dead. I see myself coming out of my body and it's over, I'm actually dead. I continue to freak out while I'm watching my soul drift away from my lifeless body, and suddenly bam.

My alarm clock goes off in my ear very loudly, waking me up. I'm awake, "I'm alive!" I scream when I open my eyes. It was all a dream, one very vivid dream, I sigh and take in one big breath. I reach for my journal and open it furiously writing down everything from beginning to end. "I can't believe that dream, I'm definitely keeping this a secret." I say to myself. I just don't want anyone to think I'm not getting better, how can I just tell my parents that their little girl still wants to die? I start laughing and get up from my comfy bed, "I'm so glad I didn't actually die that way, I don't want to die while my ex boyfriend watches me drown." That's just harsh, especially when I still have huge feelings for him. I walk to my closet and start getting ready for the day, "Today is officially the first day of senior year!" I hope no one knows about my placement over the summer, I don't want to start out the day out as the suicidal girl.