To you whose heart I broke #JustWriteIt

To you whose heart I broke

"I always come back to that night when I told you it's better if we just stay friends..."

Maybe things became too fast and I'm too slow to get on. Maybe I'm still not used to someone caring for me so deeply. Maybe I'm not matured enough to think seriously. Maybe I was not ready...or maybe it's not yet the right time..

This may sound cliche but i'll say it anyway..."It's not you..it's me."

I'll understand if you get mad at me, actually that's way more better, than showing me your sad smile. We were at the park. We're sitting on a bench near a big tree with full on blue Christmas lights. It was beautiful. I enjoy everything we do. I am happy...I know you're also happy. You always think of me first. You told me as long as I am happy, you are happy. That's so sweet of you to say. I appreciate it.

I don't want to ruin the moment but I need to say it as soon as possible because I'm beginning to feel guilty. I like you.. I swear I do. But sometimes things are not meant to happen.

I feel ashamed of what I did. I witnessed how your always smiling face changed drastically. Your mouth is shut. Your eyes are sad. You are looking anywhere but me. I took up all my courage to tell you to look at me, you did but just for a second. You don't want to look at me  because you're afraid you'll cry.

I blamed myself for letting you get attached with me. I let you invest deep feelings  I couldn't return. It was cruel of me. I'm such a bitch.

"I am sorry."

That's the only appropriate word I think to I could say to you.

I'm sorry I can't be the girl you want to marry.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

I always think I'm doing the right thing. I'm always very careful of making decisions but this time I'm wrong. I don't like to hurt someone but I already did. Even you told me 'it's okay, I'm fine' with a smile, I still see it in your eyes. The way you advert your eyes when I'm trying to look at you straight. I tried to make you laugh by telling side jokes but you just gave me a reserved smile. I felt it, you're about to cry and I want to smack myself because of that. I fucking hurt the boy who cares for me so deeply. I'm such a fool.

As much as I want to regret it. I'm sorry I don't. It's better this way. Maybe there will come a time when I'm all alone in my room and I'll remember all the things we've done together, all those happy moments when you come looking for me in the middle of the night and invite me for a ride. You'd take me anywhere I want. The long conversations on the phone that become serious talk in person. We'd talk about our lives; and when I told you my weird bucket list of to do's you said "let's do it together." How I wish... but things are starting to get complicated... I can just offer you friendship because that is what I think is the best for us.

Thank you.

For showing me nice things, that there is still some guys like you who can love so deeply. Thank you for always putting me first. It's just so unfair I couldn't do the same. You're such a great guy. I'm not only the great girl who will put you first.

I just hope for one thing.

If the time comes when we meet again, I hope you're still the same person who give his love wholeheartedly and beside you is the great girl who deserve your love...

~