10:05 :: malum

epilogue

A BIT OF A TRIGGER WARNING: suicide/self harm

michael gordon clifford passed away on may 4th, 2016 at 4:32 am.

i was one of the first to find out the news, right next to his family. ashton had called me straight away. it was early in the morning and i was barely awake but i instantly knew something was wrong. just by the shakiness of his voice, how i could barely understand what he was saying and how early in the morning it was, i knew something happened to michael.

it was suicide.

i thought he'd be okay, i thought the doctors could help him, i thought he was going to survive. it just didn't seem like this could happen. it didn't seem like i could lose him that easily but i did. it was his time to go.

i had spent hours in the hospital, just waiting for the answer that i didn't want to hear. they said there wasn't much they could do, they couldn't save him.

i may have screamed and shouted a bit but ashton held me back. he comforted me, telling me that it wasn't the doctors' fault. they did everything they could to save him.

"hey, you did great up there." ashton came up to me as i walked offstage.

i had just finished my speech. i knew i'd have to speak at a funeral one day but not today, not for michael. definitely not at this young of an age for my beautiful michael.

this whole thing was planned, he had it all planned. i can't believe i was so oblivious! i didn't realize that he wanted to kill himself on that specific day. he explained it all in the note, it all made so much sense after i read the note. i could have stopped him, why didn't i figure it out myself? why was i so blind?

i huffed, taking a seat. "yeah, thanks."

ashton took a seat next to me.

"luke is around here somewhere." he explained, looking off into the distance. "he said he was thirsty."

i nodded in response. i didn't know how ashton was so calm. he was the one who found the body, he was the one who found the notes.

a women i had never seen before walked by, freezing when she saw me. she said she was "sorry for my loss" and that "michael was such a kind, young man."

i had all these people i had never met before coming up to me all day, saying that they're sorry. that only made me feel worse. i just wanted to talk to ashton, luke and michael. i just wanted to talk to my boy michael but that wasn't going to happen. he was gone.

"calum," ashton started, once the lady walked away.

i looked up at him.

"maybe you should go home and get some rest. i don't think being here is whats best for you right now." he sighed.

"ashton, it's michael's funeral-" he cut me off.

"i'll stay and let everyone know why you left, they'll understand. i'm literally begging you to go home and get sleep, you need it."

i hesitated but let out a sigh, realizing he was right. being here was only making things worse for me.

"alright, i'll go home."

ashton gave me a small smile, standing up from his seat. "good. just-let me go find luke, he'll drive you home."

i gave him a nod and watched him walk away, leaving me left alone with just my thoughts.

before i felt like i was going to go insane and start crying again, luke suddenly came into view, keys in his hands. "you ready to go?"

i swallowed the lump in my throat, nodding my head. "yeah."