wasting time » lh ; mc

sixteen

:: 16 ::

       Michael doesn't know much about how to deal with things. Anything foreign to him were things he avoided completely, it was easier to go by life that way. But, apparently you can't run away forever.

He lay on Luke's bed, hands laid out on his stomach and eyes staring up at the ceiling. Michael wanted to tell Luke what was going on, but at the same time, it still felt stupid. He felt stupid.

"I've never really realized, you know?" Michael said sullenly. "Like, it's taken me so long to notice everything horrible about the way I think." Maybe he's always been aware of how toxic his thoughts were, but chose to ignore them. It's been his mindset since the start of middle school, and now that Michael is seventeen and so used to it being that way, it never felt like a problem. Either way, this was all new, was odd for Michael to believe and admit that he was wrong.

"There's nothing wrong with it, it's just kind of flawed."

"Which means it's wrong."

"No, what's wrong is you being so negative," Luke rolled his eyes. "People have flaws, I don't think we'd be human without them."

Michael frowned and threw an arm over his eyes. "Flaws suck," he grumbled. He hated it, hated the feeling deep in his gut and the thoughts in his head that kept nagging at him that he wasn't near enough to perfect just yet.

He doesn't want people to see him as a pity case—with trying to impress everyone around him and stop the insecurities. Insecurities are a sign of disadvantage, a vulnerable thing that many people could use against someone. Michael can't have any of those.

Luke shrugged in response, "Yeah, they do, but we learn to love them and get better with them."

"I never thought you'd be such a mindful person." This was nice, Michael thought; even though he was discussing the most personal of feelings, he felt comfortable. It was secure thoughts being revealed, and somehow Michael was okay. Anything with Luke was okay.

"Helping makes me feel good."

With a raised eyebrow, Michael wondered about the statement. There's always the possibility that Luke was just a genuinely good person—which Michael doesn't doubt, actually—but he also doesn't doubt that Luke has just as many insecurities as he's accusing Michael of. "Are you trying to make yourself feel better by making others feel better?"

"I—" Luke stops, furrowing his eyebrows and rolling over towards Michael, now on his back as well. "Maybe. I don't know why I would be, though."

"Well, you're always kind of sad about your dad," Michael suggests. "I don't know why, but whatever the issue, you might be looking for the solution in others."

They had discussed it before—briefly, and not in much detail, but Michael still knew a few things about Luke's relationship with Andrew. He couldn't say that he understood, though.

Luke isn't really a social guy, so of course he wouldn't enjoy the appearances his father insisted on taking him to. They're not that often anymore, but when they do happen, Michael can expect an extremely upset Luke the next day.

(And maybe Upset Luke is painful to experience, but that's not the point.)

Luke tensed, shutting his eyes briefly and shaking his head before replying, "We're supposed to be discussing your problems, Mike."

"I wasn't aware we were in a counseling office," Michael retorted, eyes rolling, "and I don't have problems." But he knows he does.

"You're in such denial about your own imperfections, it's worrying." Luke was growing frustrated, and Michael would find it kind of adorable if he wasn't so hung up on the fact that he really can't think things like that.