Falling (A Larry Stylinson And Niam Horayne Fan Fiction)

Chapter 7

A/n hello lovelys! Thank you if you're reading this and it would be greatly appreciated if you told your friends about this story cause I don't get any reads this far in and I want to know why. So thank you so much lovelys MWAAAAHHHH see you at the end of the chapter

Louis POV

Dear new journal,

fate. I think it's playing a trick on me. It makes me think I'm made for someone then takes them away. Sigh. I guess I deserve it though right? Like I deserve everything I get. I deserve every time I've been beat up as a kid. Every time I've been beat up in high school all the way through college and now through uni. I mean yeah it hurts. But it's the good hurt you know? The kind that rips your heart out but when you tell yourself you deserve it you start liking the sting. So you get home and start pinching at your skin. Or dragging a blade across your thighs. Or even plowing your fingers down your throught. The stomachs acid burning your fingers leaving spots that they touched red. And damn. It's never hurt so good before now. I think when I first started self harm it was when I was 12. I remember I was too chicken to actually leave scars so I would scratch my skin till it was so red I couldn't see the tan there anymore. And like a merical it was gone the next day. Without a trace. Gone. No one knew and it made me feel good and soon my legs burned with anticipation through out the day. Damn it felt so good to let out all my anger out on my legs. I could walk around with a smile until I got home, trying my hardest to stay in my room, hiding in the back of my closet and bathroom. USLESS since my closet door was ripped off but I hid behind clothes. Liam my best mate started to notice then how I was changing. Slowly but surely starting to lose interest in lots of things I used to love like football, swimming, tanning, and baking with him. I guess that when I started noticing my weight and how In my eyes it wasn't exactly nice. (Omfg guys help the keys on my iPad are starting to move its too late for this shit.) so I started to cut out just the extra stuff. Like instead of extra fries I would just get a side of peas and carrots or a small salad. Soon the burgers turned into chicken caesar wraps and next thing I know I was 14 and still cutting out foods. Now instead of wraps it was pasta and a small desert of fruit and yogurt with salad for lunch and dinner. A year later and I'm 15 now only eating salad for lunch and smoked salmon for dinner. Seeing the numbers decrease on the scale but the image in the mirror didn't match up. No way it was the same. Figuring the scale was a little off I still weighed myself and compared but no to match the mirror I added 20 pounds. Because that's what made sense. Soon I was 16 weighing myself every day three four five times a day keeping my meals the same. Just excersising for an extra hour everyday. When I was 17 my scratches came back this time they bled and stayed for a few weeks. Now I was more carful with Liam at sleepovers. Never changing infront of him and always wearing long pj pants. I was also cutting out more food but my diets normal right? I just wasn't hungry. My body didn't want it. It could live off all the fat that was in it right. At least for a year. Now my dinners were steamed veggies and fruit salad for lunch. This kept me full. And I liked the hunger pains that I was used to more now. It was like cutting pain but in public and no one noticed. Except when it made that god awful noise in the middle of my college class. That was the worst. People could see how fat i was and hear that my diet wasn't working. That year passed slow and painfull and the numbers kept going down but the self hate and my mirror image kept doubling in size. It was crazy. So now I was excersising 4 hours a day and keeping the same food intake. Now it's September and I'm 19 turning 20 soon and all I ate today was steamed broccoli 7 pieces and cut every night. It's routine almost. Wake up lie to Liam about being happy, work or sleep eat my dinner cook for Liam make it look like I ate befor he came and go to the bathroom. Cut and cry for an hour in the shower while listening to kiss me by Ed Sheeran put on bandages and sleep. Wake up the next morning change bandages and repeat. It's a pretty simple life except for uni because studying for a job as a photographer requires lots of classes that I simply don't have energy for. Not like i like anyone there anyway but I mean they don't like m either so they beat me sometimes. Giving me the self loath I need to grab the razor at nigh. I mean thatnks for listening journal. I think I'm going to write here a lot. You're the only one I can trust with my secrets. Don't let anyone read you okay? Cause you're my story.

Yours simcerly,

Louis xoxo

A/N so did you like that!? I think I'm going to try something different. I need feed back to know if you guys want this or not so please tell me. I was thinking do a Louis journal on like Thursday/Friday and story Monday. Yeah? Well I hope you liked it its late and the keys on my iPad are dancing I think so buiii. Kisses. I just realized I never wrote this but if you or anyone you know is struggling with mad eating disorder or depression please get help. And please ALWAYS talk to me. Kik me - tevayaarixoxo

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