The Fault in Ourselves

Chapter One

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It's been almost a year since Augustus died, but Hazel can't get over him. A dead basketball star -- her little star, she revolved around him. Her love went deeper than just the surface, and that kind of love just doesn't die off. It never really does.

Hazel's mother is worried sick. She skips appointments, cancer meets. She distanced herself from everyone, thinking that if she feels dead maybe she'll just die. Be with him -- after all, it's the only thing she's wanted this last 11 months.

Today is the day where she finds out if she'll die or not. Finding out if the cancer has spread, gotten worse or even mutated.

She's hoping it's terminal, but she doesn't always get what she wants.

She gets ready, slipping on her red slippers -- the pair that her and Augustus used to skate down her wooden hallways with. With that memory, she silently changes into old, worn out sneakers.

Her parents bicker in the car, blaming each other for her cancer. Ever since Hazel distanced herself, they constantly fight. Hazel knows they talk about divorce. She knows they only stick it out for her -- their 17 year old daughter with cancer.

Turning her phone In her hands, she blankly stares at the screen, wishing for a text from Gus. Her imagination takes hold and Gus is sat next to her. His presence shields her from the noise.

She can feel the car swerving, her mother shouting, yet she's focused on Gus.

Just as quick as she saw him, he was gone.

Everything went black.

+++

She wakes up with blurred vision, unable to tell where she is. Suddenly it hits her. She's in heaven. A place with no pain, no loss -- perfect sanity. She dismisses those thoughts as a sharp pain pounds in her head, blinking back tears that threaten to fall.

It becomes obvious that she isn't in heaven. Although she had never been a religious person to begin with, she had a glimpse of hope that she was missing out on something.

Hazel tries to open her eyes, but white lights burn and her head thumps in time with her heart. She knows she should be thankful that she isn't dead, but the only face that flashes in her mind's eye is Gus. The picture fades and her thoughts simmer down again.

+++

It feels like minutes since she last went under. Her mind blurs from conscious to not, and she eventually accepts that she's back in the same hospital that she's spent a portion of her life in. Starchy bedsheets that spread out over her, the smell of death and bleach.

She doesn't try to open her eyes and figures the door slamming from across the room isn't for her. Shoes squeak against the floor, however, and someone makes their way over to the bedside. A pair of hands latch onto her own, a familiar embrace that calms her pulse. For a second, she thinks it's Gus.

"How does she look?" a voice she instantly recognizes asks.

"She..." a girl mumbles, tapping a pen against a clipboard. "She's been better."

Isaac doesn't speak after that. He just tightens his grip -- if he lets go, he'll let her go too. She hears heels clicking out of the room, and the girl leaves without closing the door behind her.

Hazel carefully turns her head toward Isaac. She squints her eyes open enough so she can see him, and squeezes his hand to let him know she's alright.

"Hazel?"

She smooths her fingers over the back of his hand as a response. Isaac lets out a breath of relief. "Oh my god, I thought I /lost/ you. I got here as quick as I could but... I mean, we've known each other for a while, and hell -- that's the first time I thought you we're actually, you know -- /gone./"

She just sits and listens to him go on, scanning her eyes around the room. The walls are painted a bright, clean white, and there are two other empty beds. In the corner of her eye she sees her dad sleeping with his head in his hands, and her mother is the first thing that comes to mind.

Hazel is about to ask why she isn't at her side but Isaac interrupts. "Hazel Grace Lancaster, don't you ever almost die again."

She pauses, and realizes why she feels like this moment has happened before. "You sound exactly like Gus."

His face falls and he rips paper off the item in his hand. Hazel's gaze follows the sound, and sees that he's holding a messily wrapped gift covered in Christmas paper. She didn't notice it before. "What's that?"

"It's just something. My mom helped me pick it out and she said she thinks you'd like it, but..." he trails off as he hands it to her, and listens to her opening it.

She holds the gift in her hand and studies it. A worn picture frame holds an old photo of her, Isaac, and Augustus together before any of them thought that the world could catch up with them. It brings back memories that she thought were faded with time -- the day that they went to the beach together. They stayed there until it got dark, waiting for everyone else to leave so all three of them could lay on the sand and watch the sunset. In the photo, Gus has one arm wrapped around Hazel and the other around Isaac, and Hazel held tight to his waist. She remembers thinking that she wished a moment like that could last forever.

"Isaac I love it. Do you know what the picture is of? Yeah my mom told me that it was you,me, and Gus. But I really don't know what the picture/is/."

"We went to the beach, stayed till dusk just to watch the sunset. The first time we all got away from everything. We tried to play volleyball but I can't breath, Gus had one leg, and you are blind. Let's just say if you could have seen it. We were a wreck."

With a smirk, he did an airy laugh. "I remeber that night, I visualized it in my head as a wonderous evening. I enjoyed spending time with you guys. To bad there's only two of us left."