Sugar

To Sleep With You

Of course the next morning he's gone. A part of me is relieved. I don't want to face him. The other part of me is devastated. I want the good mornings that come with the good nights. I want the morning snuggling and cooking breakfast and the sad puppy dog face I give him when he leaves for work.

I knew with this relationship that I wouldn't have alot of those relationship-like characteristics but I had no idea it would be like this. So dry and straight to the point. If this was going to work out, he was going to have to bend a little bit. I won't be able to cope with this arrangement under these terms. If it meant redefining the relationship all together so be it. I wasn't his play thing and i refused to be one. To him or to anyone else for that matter.

You knew you were going to be a toy to him.

My sub-conscience lashed out.

I scowl at myself.

I knew deep down what this was going to be like. But after all his kind words and playfulness I'd just hoped for a better outcome. Then again after the other night I knew I should have just walked away from this situation all together. I was beginning to be suffocated with the crippling fear that this relationship was going to cause me nothing but heartache and that somehow I would never be the same afterwards. After all I had lowered myself to become some famous rock stars fucking sugar baby.

I started to plan my day. I couldn't sit in bed in wallow in my own self-pity no matter how much I really wanted to. I had to design some sort of plan to make the most out of my stay here in California. I'll be damned if I just sat back and enjoyed this lavish lifestyle on someone else's dime and did nothing while I was here.

I thought about pursuing my education a little bit more. I could get my bachelor's degree like I'd always dreamed of. Or I could find work. I'd had a really good job before moving out here and it wouldn't take much effort for me to get into the same field out here.

I wanted to do something that made me feel productive. Schooling was productive but if for some reason this arrangement fell apart, it wasn't going to help me out in the least. I'd have no way to try to support myself out here.

I also knew enough about Andy to tell me that I had to be careful. He had this jealous side and it was bound to raise its head once more. Everything about him screamed control freak. I wasn't about to walk on egg shells but I was going to have to be cautious with my choices. Would he take offense to my thoughts about finding work? Would school be a safer bet?

I wasn't about to play this game with him. He could control certain aspects of my life but there was things that he was going to have to learn respect my wishes. I gave up alot to come out here to try to make this work. He was going to have to trust me.

All my thoughts had taken up much of my morning. I had planned on doing so much more in the early morning hours. It seems no matter what I do I can't seem to get him out of my head. I know I shouldn't. I know that this road is going to lead to my heartbreak but I can't stop myself.

After all was said and done, I thought schooling would probably be the most beneficial. I could double up on classes and be done in no time. It would leave me at an advantage for finding a higher paying job here in LA if I choice to stay.

Listen to me, I am already committed to the idea that this arrangement isn't going to work.

Deep down I did feel like failure was on the horizon. Andy was emotionally unavailable which equaled out to an emotional travesty for me. I was already feeling strongly towards him and that only seemed to grow. Andy made it very hard for a woman not to fall in love with him.