Pastel Pills

The boy

Warnings: Self harm (I'm sorry), swearing, homophobia

The boy, Dan Howell. The boy who sits quietly at the back, not a word escaping from his pink chapped lips. The boy who always writes on their hand, his mind to his pen. No one really knew what he wrote, sometimes it would be a doodle, other times a long chunk of writing from his finger tips to the palm of his hand all the way to his wrist, littered with red lines and white faded scars that are full of pain and sorrow.

All the noise that escaped was the rubber band slapping against his wrist when someone picked on him, seeing how far they can push the troubled teen. The way he wore his flower crown, the word gay being thrown in all directions, which didn't make a lot of sense since Dan is bisexual. Not many people knew his sexuality, just by looking at the lilac jumper and mint green sneakers they thought he was instantly another homo.

Mind you, he hardly takes notice, he just sits there and stares, the sound of the slapping of the band fulling the room, until they finally decide to go away. He never paid the slightest amount of attention to the teacher, he didn't really see a point of learning some utter bullshit, in fact he didn't see a point in anything. He was quiet though, he wasn't shy. He would stand up and sharpen his pencil and he always looked like he never gave a shit. He just doesn't say anything.

The only time we got a peep from him is when a kid, Codie Brian, threw Dan's beloved crown across the dusty floor, he couldn't help it, he screamed from the top note "You little cunt" and swung his fist to meet Codie's gross looking, spotty face. Let's just say the pastel goth came in the next morning looking as if a bomb dropped on him. Bruises all other his body and a great big scratch on his tanned face, poor thing.

Dan hated Codie with a fucking passion. The way he looks, the way he acts, Dan wanted to crush every inch of him. He despised the utter bastard, and his dick head friends. They would travel in big groups and find the weakest kid, fuck around with them, and see how far they could push them, making them suffer for no fucking reason.

Daniel didn't say anything though, he sat at the back in a small corner hiding his arms and hands in the wool lilac sweater, it was almost protecting him, you know? Sheltering him from the cruel shit hole we call 'Earth'. Don't get me wrong, Dan is suicidal but not the way you would think.

He wouldn't put a gun against his head, pull the trigger and end it straight away. He had too much, his mother and his brother, they loved him and he wouldn't forgive himself for causing even more pain in the family. He's suicidal in a way where he would walk into a road and not give two shits if he got he or not, he would take late night walks and not bother if someone took him to kill him, therefore if he did die, it wouldn't be entirely his own fault.

The sad thing is no one knew apart from himself about the scars and the aching thirst to take his own cruel life away, he wouldn't tell a soul. He has a fear deep down that he would be a burden or a waste of time with therapy and getting him pills. Everyone thought he was okay, he tried to kill himself two years into school, nobody saw it coming really, my mother quit her job, my brother got kept off school, that week was traumatising for all of the three.

That's where he got the fear, the fear of being a burden. The fear of making people around him sad. Fear. Now, fear is a funny thing, there's many forms of it, it could be a theory or a exciting fear. What is the opposite of fear? Confidence. And lots of it. Dan has very little confidence, but he turns up to school, without fail with a pink flower crown, a button down white shirt, a lilac jumper, pastel skinny jeans and his shoes of choice.

That's about it with his confidence. Although he dreads the shit out of it, he looks in the mirror and points out the good things about the person facing him. But the thoughts change fast. "Look how fat I am", "I look disgusting", "How can I go outside looking that that?"

Everything changed for him just four years ago. The night, that dreadful night. He heard the phone going off, signalling that someone was trying to reach us, the next minute his mother is screaming on the floor, heart broken. His farther committed suicide, in the forest with a dirty seat belt. No note. Nothing. He blamed himself. In eighth grade his life was surrounded with therapy and pills, tearing his childhood away.

His mother, Paula, was never the same. The glint in her hazel eyes disappeared, bags started appearing under her eyes, she drowned her sadness with vodka and cigarettes, her fine brown hair became dull and she slept. Our aunt made her go to the doctors once, she hated the fuckers in that place. They gave her antidepressants and a phone number for therapy for herself, she never took the pills, or booked an appointment. It saddens him so much to see her like this, dull. I haven't seen her smile in other three years.

Life's cruel, it's shit especially when we live in a fucked up world where people want peace but suddenly declaring war. So fuck it. Fuck everything. Dan Howell is the boy at the back who is troubled, no one can do anything about it. But do opposites attract?
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HOLY MOLY HOW WAS THE FIRST CHAPTER I THINK ITS SWELL MY FINGERS ARE ACHING.