Fearless [BTS Fanfic]

~ Chapter 3 ~

•GAIA•

So...there's this other thing about me that you should know. It's just as freakish as being fearless. It's also very had to put into words because it's so embarrassing. I've never even told anyone, I'd be way too humiliated.

Humiliation by the way is the worst feeling there is. It's truly horrendous. It's right there at the bottom of the pile along with anger, hurt, betrayal, compassion and selfishness. Oh, and don't forget guilt. If only I could take all of those unnecessary emotions and put them wherever my fear is so I never have to feel them again. Maybe then I could imagine being happy one day.

There you go folks, I, Gaia Jones, have discovered the secret to happiness. A lobotomy. Feeling nothing at all. It only took me seventeen years, how did no one else figure it out? (Sense the sarcasm)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there's a reason I was getting distracted. I'd rather not talk about this. Okay, here it goes.

I'm a virgin.

But it gets worse. I wish that was it.

I've never had a boyfriend.

That's true, but there's even more unfortunately. Apparently that's not humiliation enough.

I've never kissed anyone.

Not a boy, not a girl, no one. So there you have it. It's perfectly acceptable to call me a loser now okay?

Let me soften the blow a bit. I almost had a boyfriend when I was twelve. A pre-boyfriend if you will. His name was Finn and he lived around the corner from me. He had the right kind of hair (sandy brown, straight and short), the coolest bike (not that you care), the in-fashion jeans (at the time). His parents even had a cool car (black Range Rover with heated seats) and they had a huge pool.

These were the reasons all of the popular girls fawned over him. I liked him because he was secretly just as weird, if not weirder, than me. We played chess together and created elaborate fantasy games a mile under the sea or in outer space, long after it was socially acceptable to concoct imaginary lands (I think the age of four is the limit). We were nerdy in that we watched Bill Nye, the science guy yet cool enough that we only admitted that fact to each other.

Wait. Why am I telling you all of this? Am I really trying to pass off my friendship with a neighbour with no armpit hair as a romantic conquest? All just to cover up the fact that I'm actually a loser. This is a new low, even for me.

However it kind of helps tell the story of how my life changed the autumn after my twelfth birthday. My love life was stunted and got left behind with the rest of my life in that old neighbourhood I lived in with Finn. When the moving van came I just told Finn that I hated him so as not to leave any loose ends. My life ended but I kept growing.

Usually, I don't give a shit about the fact that I'm a freak. Why would I care what others think of me? But somehow this kissing thing, or lack thereof, bothers me. I won't pretend it doesn't. That's probably the worst part, how much I'm bothered by it. How much I actually think about it.

I'm gonna be brutally honest right now. Ready? Okay.

Of all the awful, horrible things that have happened to me in my life - my mom, my dad, the life I lost - I'm so vain, petty and selfish that the thing I think about and get upset about the most is the fact that I've never been kissed. And this thought drives me to more than just a desire for a lobotomy; it drives me to something worse.