To understand better what I'm feeling

It's been a year

A year later and I'm still not sure what to call it but I know that we shared something much bigger than both of us but much smaller than love itself.
Because we never really loved each other. We were just far too young to understand that being alone isn't the equivalent of being unworthy and so we found each other. We laid beside each other and you made me laugh when I needed it the most. We shared plenty of first things and there is a list of things that I will never bring myself to do again. Like smoking weed in the city's courtyard because I want to know what it feels like to be you. Because I am aching to understand why you are always in two places. Here and where you wanted to be then. Looking back on it now, you gave me something to believe in. I know that I, too, must have done the same for you because on the nights when there wasn't a single soul in the world who was willing to look beyond all the mistakes you had made, I never let you fall asleep thinking you were the worst thing you had ever done. Even now, I don't believe that you are the mistakes you have made and neither am I. We shared a mistake. We fooled each other into thinking that what we had was love. Looking back on it now, it's so clear that we were together for a purpose and it wasn't love. You came to teach me how to risk my heart. You were here to give me something to believe in. You were here to let me down hard and break my heart and I owe a whole lot of who I am to you today because I could never be me without you.