A/N: Before you read any further I am giving you a warning. The first chapter starts bone deep. Every hour is a new discovery. This chapter consists of both characters talking about suicide and self harm. This may trigger something. It may not. Read with caution. Read at your own risk.
It was only a ten minute shower. My body felt good after being cleaned. I smelled of peaches. I found my sleeveless crop top. The flannel I chose is super comfy. I'm not wearing any pants. I don't feel like it. I'm finished. I must see the boy whom I left alone.
Harry was left in the family room. When I returned to him, he had something in his hand. It was something brown. I can't see from where I stand.
"Hey. What are you holding?"
"A leather bound journal." A what?! My body moved before I could even tell it to. My journal rested in his large hands. My heart fell. Has he read it?
"Don't worry. I didn't read it. I have one just like it. I understand the feeling." Then why pick it up?
He reached his hand out with my journal in it. I grasped it carefully. I grasped it as if it was fragile.
"That journal has secrets. Lots and lots of secrets. Good and bad. There is dark and light. There is heaven and hell all laid into words in that journal. I'm overprotective when it comes to that thing."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause trouble. I saw it and it just reminded me of mine. Well, my old one. I go through journals pretty quickly."
There is an awkward silence. Harry traced circles on his palm. He's got large hands. He has long fingers.
"May I ask you a question, Cristal?" I nodded. "What made you invite me to stay?"
"Back at home I had few friends. Those friends were able to hold a conversation. They didn't just scratch the skin. They peeled back the layers of skin until they could dig in. I miss that."
"So, you want me to skin you alive?" He made me laugh which made him smile.
"Of course not. I like the sound of your voice. I want to hear what you have to say. I also find you extremely attractive, but that doesn't mean anything to me if you lack substance."
A simple nod is what I got. He slightly moved his head up and down. Then stopped and just looked at me. He is just looking. He may even be staring. Maybe.
I waved my hand to get his attention. I watched as he blinked until his vision focused.
"You're beautiful. Did you know that?" For a moment I didn't say a word.
"Wait for that. You can decide if I'm beautiful after I tell you the truth about me." He raised a brow as if to say 'what are you talking about'.
"What truths are there? The sky is blue though technically it isn't. We're both made of bones and water. Our eyes dilate for certain feelings. I am here. You are there. I am male. You are female. All which are facts.
"But I'm not allowed to tell you that your surface is beautiful because I don't know what's inside of the actual book. You told me that you found me attractive. It's not fair if I can't level the field."
Men.
"Well, I'm not playing games here. I'm not trying to sink your battleship. I won't judge you like a picture book and you will do the same."
Again, his head moves up and down to tell me he understands. No words.
"What truths are you talking about?" What am I talking about?
"Truths about me in exchange for truths about you." Harry studied his palm. The small lines on his large hands were traced by his long index finger. He didn't mutter a word. "We don't have to if you don't want to."
He shook his head. That's fine. I don't want to play.
"How deep are we going?" I smiled. Now he's catching on.
"Bone deep. Tell me something." I waited for Harry to say something. He looked as if he was thinking. I didn't want to interrupt.
"Alright. Where do I start?." His long index finger traced the outlines of his large hands. "I spent a small part of my teenage years using my wrists as a canvases. It made me feel better. The blood let me know I was alive. "
He said it nonchalantly. It was as if it didn't matter. I felt shocked at first. Then I was saddened. Why would such a beautiful man want to use his body in that way? The beautiful man sat in front of me waiting for a response. These are my thoughts. What can I say? I've come close to it, but I've never inflicted harm on myself. Not in that way.
Beautiful, Harry. Only in my thoughts will I call you that.
His long arms rested on his legs. I picked the one closest to me. His sleeves were rolled up a bit. His long arms are relaxed in my hands. Without thinking his wrist kissed my lips. Such beautiful skin for a man who once was sad. A sad man who has beautiful skin that just kissed my lips. Beautiful Harry, I said I wouldn't judge you by the colors in your picture book.
"What caused you such pain?" The wheels in his head turn as he worked up a response. There's heavy and there's light. There's good and there's bad. We started with the roots. Most people don't. I like this. Sad, beautiful Harry.
"I think I've always had a war in my mind. My upbringing was great. My parents are wonderful. It was always just me. My mind. My thoughts. My world. If I could stop thinking, I could be happy. My brain never slept and neither did I."
I pictured beautiful, sad Harry as a boy. He was probably the boy who suffered in silence.
"What made you stop?"
"I knew that one day I'd take it too far. That scared the shit out of me. So, I quit doing what I was doing. Though there has always been a war in my mind, I've learn to accept my brain's functions. I can at least try to be happy. What about you?"
Will Harry picture sad little Cristal? Will he think the same things that I thought when he told me his story?
"I spent the age of twenty being suicidal. I wanted to find the tallest building and fly. I wanted to feel the wind in my hair. I wanted to free fall out into nothing. You know? And leave this world for awhile."
The once sad, emerald eyes of this sad, beautiful man looked pained as he looked into my eyes.
"Did you ever attempt to hurt yourself in that way?" The truth is a beautiful disaster. It's so sad and heart breaking, but it's still beautiful.
"I never tried to jump. I was just waiting until I tipped over the edge. I was waiting for the perfect moment. A reason to send me over the edge. I waited and waited, but nothing came. Instead I found life in a tune. A tune that was simply about fucked up love, but it did the trick."
"What tune?" This is where I become a cliché.
"Robbers by The 1975. December 2, 2014 was the greatest night of my life. I saw them live. The song has always been such a great tune. It was always just that until this particular night. I was standing front and center. Matty sung the lyrics 'be a riot 'cause I know you'. When he sung those lines he looked down directly at me and pointed to me.
"I stood at his feet. He sung a line. He pointed and looked me in the eyes while he sung. I came to life. Something sparked inside of me. Suddenly I had a fighting chance. I didn't want to die anymore. I wanted to be a riot."
That night save my life. That night brought me back to life. The 1975 saved my life. Matty struck the match and set the room on fire. My body burned because of the flames and it felt so good. It made me feel alive.
"There is beauty in what music can do. A simple line in a song, which I love, saved you from destruction. That's beautiful. I think you're beautiful and that just proves it."
Beautiful, sad Harry thinks I'm beautiful. Beautiful, sad Harry only got a taste of me. Beautiful, sad Harry thinks I'm beautiful, sad Cristal. Beautiful, sad Cristal is okay with what beautiful, sad Harry thinks. We can be beautiful and sad together tonight. Even if it's just for a night.
