Still Not Safe

Safety and Happiness

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The sky had grown dark, not even the stars seemed to brighten the night. The glow of the moon seemed muted, as if there was a thin layer of mist enveloping its reflected light. Everything was dull and nothing seemed to be able to lift my spirits. Not even the sweet aroma of cooked food had made me feel better, I didn't even realise I had been eating it until I noticed the absence of the hunger that usually knawed at my insides.

I glanced around briefly, taking in my surroundings. Louis was sitting on the couch with Eleanor, whispering in her ear as they cuddled. Niall was still sat at the table, pushing his empty plate back and forth as if more food would magically appear, Karen was laughing at him as she pinched his cheek. Liam had found a stereo and a bunch of CD's and was twirling Grace around the lounge, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. I wasn't sure where Harry had gone, maybe the bathroom? I wasn't focused much on that, my brain was too busy reminding me that two people were missing.

My gaze, once again, returned to the ridiculously high wall in the distance. I was surprised I hadn't burned a hole through it with my eyes yet.

The house was full, but it seemed so empty. There was noise surrounding me, but it was a distant hum in my ears as if I was under water. Nothing seemed real, it felt like a dream. I think people had tried to speak to me earlier, but I had not responded, and they had given up.

I hadn't said much at all since Dakota and Zayn were forced to leave, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to talk about. Everyone else was making small talk, but I could tell none of them were really paying much attention. We were all in shock, unsure whether this was real. They were all trying to lift the mood though, which seemed like a lost cause to me.

We had been through so much, and yet again, just when everything seemed to be going okay, something had to ruin it. All I wanted was for everyone to be happy and safe. But if we were happy, we weren't safe, and if we were safe, we weren't happy. It was a never-ending cycle of pursuit, and we were all chasing our tails aimlessly. I hated it.

What was the point? Why did we all insist on relentlessly fighting a battle that we could never win? We were destined to lose, so why even try? It made no sense. We were so blind, hooked on the idea of hope for a better life. Hope was a drug, and we were all addicted. It was pathetic. Where had it gotten us? Absolutely nowhere. I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want to lose anyone else, I wouldn't be able to cope.

"Bree?" Harry's voice broke through the fog clouding my thoughts and I turned away from the window, a small frown on my face. "It's late," He said softly, brushing my hair away from my face.

I let out a yawn, (literally just yawned as soon as I typed this) (every damn time I go to write more on this chapter, I do a quick read over what I've written already and I yawn EVERY TIME)(DAMMIT NOT AGAIN), not realising how tired I was until he mentioned it. "Oh," I mumbled, pressing my lips together. That was the most I had said in hours.

He sighed, entwining our fingers and tugging me towards our bedroom. "I know this sucks, but they'll be okay. I'm sure of it."

I didn't respond, too afraid of what I might say. What words of blame would escape my lips? Words that were fueled by the undeniable guilt filling my lungs and making it difficult to breathe.

The hall seemed to stretch for eternity, my feet dragging along the carpet from the lack of effort I was putting into walking. I was too exhausted, the weight of the day's events tugging me into a put of despair. We were losing so many people.