Thanksgiving break was last week and cut it short. This week Monday through Wednesday was homework, homework, homework. No time to hold onto emotions or write about the days.
Thursday was a wonderful day. The best I'd had in weeks.
Nate told me he missed me. I was so excited and untouchable all day long. He stoked my face, too, and said it was softer than he remembered. I smiled and was fangirling inside.
After school ended I stole a kiss and he smiled at me.
Maybe I have a chance...
I allowed myself to believe this thought for the first time since we broke up. I had thought it tons of times, but on Thursday I truly believed I had a chance.
I hung out after school until around 5 talking to my 8th grade friend, then went home. I texted Nate and was very happy, remembering my wonderful day.
Soon things turned bad. At around 7, Nate and I started arguing again.
But this time it was about if we would actually have a future together if we dated again. The words hurt and stung deep into me. The wounds left by Jack and Alex the school year before were nothing compared to the wounds Nate inflicted...
"I'm doing this for your own good," he said.
Don't do this. I need you. I love you. Don't hurt me like this. Don't hurt me anymore. Stop doing this. Stop. Stop. Stop. I love you. I need you. How could you? How could you? Why? What did I do wrong? Why? Why? Why?
My thoughts were racing.
I threw up 3 times.
I had 4 panic attacks.
I was suicidal for part of it.
Still he went on.
Insisting that he needed to do it. Saying that staying would hurt me more. Saying I needed to move on. Saying I'd thank him later.
Still I cried.
Still I pleaded.
He held his ground.
As mine slowly crumbled.
*****
Nate got mad and stopped arguing with me. He said I needed to "stop being short sighted."
How could you hurt me this much?
My sister heard my sobs and came to comfort me. I showed her the texts and she grew angry.
How could you hurt me, Nate?
I told her to calm down. We laid together on my bed and looked at the puppy tag on tumblr to try to lift my spirits. It worked mostly.
I loved you... I love you... We talked about our future together... Why did you shove me away?
I told Kyle about everything. He comforted me and was super nice to me and very understanding. I needed that at the time. He offered hugs for me the next day and said that he would meet me in a new place to sit so we could avoid Nate the next day, too. We made a plan so that we could keep away from Nate and his friends so that we could avoid hurting me anymore. Kyler was a really good friend, and was there for me when I needed someone.
Nate, you weren't here... Nate, you aren't here... No hugs from you no affection. Just cold hard shoving me away and saying you did it to help me. How can you help someone if you shove them into a fire? How can you help someone if you shove them onto a sword? How can you help someone if you crush their very existence with your words and don't stop talking no matter how many times they say "no" and "stop?"
All my friends were supportive. But I was still so alone... Still so weak and helpless and heartbroken...
So I went to sleep to escape the hurt and burning in my eyes from crying for over 2 hours.
