In the nick of time I could avoid getting hit by the little bus. I can feel my heart bounce faster. That was close. I can't concentrate at all. I sigh. What if the bus did hit me? I would like to know how people would react if I would die unexpectedly. Would my classmates regret what they've done? What they did to me? Every single day I'm being ignored, ridiculed, laughed at, offended, humiliated and so on. My friends aren't in my class. I do have really sweet friends. They try to support me when I need them, but most of the time they don't know when that moment is. Straightforward. We're all selfish and in puberty and I also don't like to talk about my feelings.
The time I'm going through is a bit heavy for me. Of course there will always be those people to say I'm posing and telling me their life is much more difficult, but my life isn't about them. So my story isn't. Or.. Actually it is. Those people turned my world upside-down. Let me explain:
Every school-day I'm cycling to school with my friends. When we arrive, everyone walks to their class and so do I. When I'm early, I have to sit at an empty table and hope for anyone to join me, which doesn't really happen. When I'm later, I can mostly sit with a few other girls who are with an odd number of girls. Because of that odd number there is always an empty chair next to someone. Except when someone is ill at home or something. Then I'm sitting alone. Or with boys. Not that I hate boys or something, but I do with these. They say things to make me feel uncomfortable and touch me on places I don't want them to touch me. I could say I have a horrible class. But wouldn't it be a bit peculiar if everyone except me would be stupid? Maybe it's all my fault. I've got no idea what I'm doing wrong.
Anyway, I'll go on telling about how my everyday-life is.
If I get it so far to join a group of girls I always get a reaction in the shape of a sigh from the person I was going to sit next to. At the other side of the group you can hear them laughing like: 'Hahaha, you have to sit next to that thing', where I'm 'that thing'. Of course they don't say it in public, but their laugh and sigh are saying enough. Next thing on the list to happen is being ignored when I want to join the conversation. They're acting like I don't exist. At the moment we have to create groups for an assignment I'm always the person who's left, just like it is at gymnastics.
Luckily, there are 2 girls and 1 boy who think about how I feel. Or what I mean, they don't follow the others. I really respect that. Last time a whole new world opened for me when one of those girls defended me. So there is hope. But is it worth it to set my hope on it?
And then there is that crazy little thing called love. I've got the problem that, don't ask me how, I have fallen in love with one of the boys from my class. Sometimes he is an outsider just like me, and sometimes he fits in the group. It's really confusing. Las months I saw him looking at me very often and after a moment like that we both laughed a bit shy. But last time those moments are less. And I am afraid I've waited too long doing nothing. That I've waisted my chances.
It's not that strange I don't dare to tell something about that. Think about what would happen with my role in class. I'm dead if I tell someone. Oh, and that wasn't everything. He's my friend's brother.
